When You’re Polyamorous, Figuring Out Who’s Paying For What Can Be Complicated

I interviewed members of 17 polycules about their finances (sometimes I spoke to an individual representative, and sometimes the whole group at once; some people preferred to talk on the phone, and others answered their questions via email), and the only common thread was that there wasn’t one. Some polycules share a bank account; some do things individually; some engage in a combination. (Many of the people I interviewed aren’t “out” as polyamorous, and requested that only their first names appear here, to protect their privacy.)

Millie, a writer, Nick, a healthcare consultant, and Cinthia, who preferred not to disclose her occupation, live in Toronto and they practice egalitarian polyamory, or polyamory without hierarchy, which they talk about on their social media account Decolonizing Love. Millie and Nick (who have been together for 12 years) share ownership of a house, while Cinthia and Nick (who have been together for two years) are working toward buying a house together. Nick alternates between living with Millie and Cinthia on a week-by-week basis. Millie and Nick have more shared expenses (like a mortgage and other homeownership bills), while Cinthia and Nick only share groceries. 

Millie and Nick said that they’ve had disputes around what they called “nesting privilege” and homeownership. “People we’ve dated who were new to polyamory have felt secondary,” Millie said. Because she and Nick have combined finances and share a house together, other partners have sometimes felt like the two of them were the only “legitimate” couple, and that anyone outside that couple wasn’t as important. Millie told me that resolving these issues required patience and reassurance that other partners were just as important. Legal ties and financial entanglement can make some relationships feel more important than others — which is in direct conflict with the idea of a nonhierarchical relationship structure.

Others have found the poly lifestyle to be refreshingly free of financial conflict. Jade, 29, Daniel, 33, and Ami, 30, are in a triad and share a shotgun house in New Orleans together. Daniel, an educator, and Ami, an AmeriCorps service member, have been together for a decade, and have been ethically nonmonogamous since the second year of their relationship. Jade, an artist, started dating Daniel three and a half years ago. Ami and Jade started dating shortly thereafter. Jade and Daniel got married this past January.