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“Today I went to get a massage, not knowing I was going to a ‘happy endings’ massage. Let’s talk about it. First off, I booked it at 9 p.m. They answered the phone at 9 p.m., which should’ve been a red flag, but I continued. I pull up, it doesn’t look great but, hey, whatever. So I walk in. There are no doors, only curtains, which I’m a little nervous about.”