‘When one person wants to “fix” the other.’ People Share The Times When They Think They Can Tell A Relationship Is Doomed

Relationships are one of those things that are easier to gauge from the outside then from the inside – if everyone in your life doesn’t like your partner, there’s a very high probability that they are right.

Here are some things people say are total tipoffs that relationships aren’t going to stand the test of time.

Not a good sign.

“Where are you?”

“Hanging out with my cousins.”

“Really? Vc me rn.”

It was jarring.

The way they speak to each other when they’re not alone.

I noticed this after my divorce and I started dating again, because you speak to these new people with a lot of respect and kindness. Then we’d get around married couples and they’d saw awful things to each other in nasty snappy tones, and it was jarring.

Fast forward ten years and all those couples I noticed doing that are divorced now.

Communication and consideration.

When he smashes her face in the cake at the wedding and she hates it.

You can feel the tension.

When both make the atmosphere so uncomfortable when you are in their house.

Passive aggressive jabs they think you wouldn’t notice, but you could cut the tension with a knife……like Michael and Jan’s dinner party

Insecurities.

First one that came to mind

My cousin emptied out her bank account, her ex-husbands bank account, and borrowed from their relatives to find a $25k wedding. The broke up about a year later. They were together for over 10 years before this

They also posted pictures the morning after while in bed still.. another sign they’re insecure about their relationship, over posting about how great it is all the time

Walking on eggshells.

‘walking on eggshells’ around your partner in terms of what you can and can’t say.

if you feel you can’t disagree with your partner and/or voice your opinion without it turning into an argument.

A constructive manner.

Lack of communication.

Discussing every disagreement means screaming over each other, exploding, shutting off Communications and/or running out of the room.

So they won’t be able to resolve anything in a constructive manner

Not a fixer-upper.

When one person wants to “fix” the other.

If your relationship is a repair project, you didn’t fall in love with who they are.

You fell in love with what you want them to be.

It’s not an argument.

If all disagreements end in arguments. Me and my partner disagree about a lot of stuff. But we can talk, discuss, and even sometimes agree with the other person’s side.

It’d be weird if you saw eye to eye on 100% of stuff too.

Agree on the big things.

f they have strongly conflicted plans for their future. Either means they’ll break up eventually or one or both of them will end up in an unhappy compromise.

Do not get married if one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t. It is a whole mess. I have an aunt and uncle who I love dearly. He wanted kids badly and she did not. They almost divorced over it, but eventually worked through it. Traveled the world, had beautiful properties, the whole nine yards.

Now she is in her 60s, and every time she drinks she talks about how she should have had kids and my uncle gets this look on his face that is difficult to describe, but it’s not good..

It doesn’t work.

Tobias Fünke: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised… a number of couples to explore an open relationship, where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters.

Lindsay Bluth Fünke: Well, did it work for those people?

Tobias Fünke: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but… but it might work for us.

Just call it quits.

Breaking up every few minutes and then back together again

Contempt is big trouble.

I was at a party one time and there was a marriage counselor there that had been working for 20 something years in couples counseling.

I asked her what the number one sign was that the couple wasn’t going to make it. Without hesitating, she said “If one person shows contempt for the others feelings, it’s over!”

Everyone knew.

A recent personal experience I witnessed.

The entire immediate family of one side of a wedding said it was a bad idea and less than a month into the marriage one of them stayed at their mom’s house for the night because they were fighting.

Also they got engaged as a result of a failed break up attempt…

Downhill from there.

This is the answer, well, one of them. John Gottman calls contempt, defensiveness*, being critical, and stonewalling the “4 horsemen of relationships”. In other words, they are the signs that things are deeply not ok between the two people involved.

Looking at past relationships, contempt is the big one. Once that entered the picture from either side, it was all downhill from there.

Always a bad sign.

if one or both of the people are controlling over the other.

When the dynamic is super obvious to outsiders early on – that’s a bad sign. Whatever is happening on the outside is always worse on the inside.

I know a couple where the woman will just berate her man publicly. She’ll talk to him like he’s an actual child. She tells him how much he’s allowed to do certain things, but twists it so it doesn’t look as bad. It’s as if she genuinely thinks he’s mentally disabled or something – except she only does it when she’s being controlling.

For example, she hates when he plays video games. She thinks it’s immature and a waste of time that could be spent hanging out with her or being productive. She thinks it’s embarrassing that he plays video games. So he has to sneak around to play video games at other peoples houses so that he can play it off as if it’s the other persons fault that he was playing. Like “oh, Mike wanted to play and I just couldn’t say no at his house”.

Now I have seen this couple having a semi-private fight. They’re very loud and literally go 1 room away from their guests to have fights. This woman will berate the way he talks during fights and literally mock him to his face in a baby voice like, “nanana I’m a grown man and I still play video games” instead of actually making real commentary on the argument. This breaks his spirit and he ends up just exhausting during the fight and succumbing to whatever she wants. And the things she want are super inconsistent, so he can’t win there either.

The public thinks she doesn’t like video games and looks down on him for it. But privately she’s completely broken this guys spirit and he can’t escape the cycle due to constant emotional exhaustion. And that’s not even TRUE privacy. That’s when I’m in another room. God only knows how bad it is when they’re completely alone together. I hear some of it because this guy has come to my house when she kicks him out for the night, and he vents to me (while we play hours of video games of course lol).

I’ve changed a few minor details for privacy because I wanted to give a thorough example. This is shockingly common. I know like 8 people who have at one point been in a relationship like this. Whatever abusive behavior is seen publicly is always ALWAYS worse behind closed doors.

It never works out well for anyone.

Having a kid to “fix” their relationship.

It’s pretty hard to argue with these.

Of course, someone is always the exception to the rule.