Tread Lightly Before Discussing This Topic With Your Older Parents

Americans are working until later and later in life. That’s in part because of longer life spans, and in part because many older adults are behind in retirement savings and have to stick it out. (According to one 2022 survey, 71% of baby boomers say they feel behind on saving for retirement.)

As a result, the workforce is becoming older than ever. As The Washington Post reported in July, people under age 40 made up more than 60% of the workforce in 1984. Today, that number has fallen to 45%. Over that same period, workers over 60 have become twice as common.

It’s not just money concerns that keep baby boomers ― the generation born between 1946 and 1964 ― working. There are plenty of older adults who want to keep clocking in because their sense of worth and community is tied to their work. As the Boston College Center for Retirement Research summed it up in 2016, people need more than financial security to make the leap to retirement.

Still, working into your 60s, 70s or even 80s doesn’t exactly match everyone’s idea of the “golden years.” If you’re an adult child of someone who’s nearing retirement but still working, it’s natural to want them to let go a little and finally enjoy everything they’ve worked for. In various Reddit communities, there’s no shortage of millennials asking “How do I retire my parents?” or discussing what it was like to have “the talk” about retirement with a parent.

But could it come across as an overstep, or a tad condescending, to have that talk? Is asking Have you thought about retiring soon? a bit “helicopter child” of you? (Helicopter parents are so named because they “hover” over their children’s every move and decision. Naturally, the inverse of the type ― a helicopter adult child ― exists, too.)

Experts we spoke to were divided on the subject.

Brent Bernard, a clinical counselor and the owner of Keep Moving Forward Counseling and Consulting in Dayton, Ohio, thinks that ― if handled sensitively and empathetically ― family conversations about retirement timing can be a good thing. As he’s seen with his own clients, the talk can help defuse any stress that the parent or the child may be bottling up.

“Having these frank and honest conversations about this with your loved one may help manage any stigmas or concerns about being a burden to adult children,” he said. “It may help shift the focus of worry to a more productive problem-solving perspective.”

Still, your parent’s retirement ultimately isn’t your decision to make, which means the goal should be to listen, not persuade, Bernard said. You’re a collaborator or an adviser in this, not the one calling the shots.

“If your parent doesn’t feel heard in their worries and concerns, and think that your agenda is being ‘forced’ upon them, they’re likely to become defensive and more entrenched in their position rather than hearing a concerned family member’s thoughts that retirement may be in their best interest,” he said. 

This is a sensitive topic because it shifts the power dynamic in a typical parent-child relationship. If you’re the still-working parent, it’s easy to get defensive when you’re put in a situation where it feels like your decision-making skills are being questioned, or like your sense of agency is slipping out of your hands.

Given how emotionally loaded the subject is, adult children would be wise to ask themselves “Why do I want my parents to retire?” before jumping in, said Celia Roberts Hughes, a financial therapist based in Nashville, Tennessee.  

“Are you concerned about their safety or ability to maintain their integrity in their careers? Or is it possible that you’re projecting your own feelings onto them?” she said. “Is it possible that retiring is something that you look forward to, and so you can’t understand why they aren’t moving forward? Does their retirement benefit you in some way, perhaps helping with their grandchildren more?”

And while you may think you’re doing them a favor if you plan to volunteer to help them out financially, many parents are loath to be dependent on their children. What feels like a gift to you may not feel that way to them, Roberts Hughes said.

“Keep the focus on serving them and partnering with them, not saving them,” she said.