Zoë Condliffe is the founder and CEO of the activist start up She’s a Crowd, and a PhD candidate from Victoria, Australia. She recently went viral on TikTok for sharing her perspective on cleaning and domestic labor in heterosexual relationships. Particularly, the idea that women do more cleaning than men simply because they “like to clean more.”
In the video, which has been viewed over 600,000 times, Zoë says, “One of the most common things you’ll ever hear from a progressive, heterosexual couple is, ‘Yeah, she does more of the cleaning, but it’s because she likes it that way. …If I don’t want my house that clean, why should I be the one to clean it? She has different standards [than] me.”
Raise your hand if you’ve ever heard or felt this in your own relationship, or seen/heard it in your friends’ relationships.
Later on in the video, Zoë calls this cleaning argument a form of “vague societal gaslighting that people don’t even know they’re engaging in,” and goes into why it’s actually harmful, especially for women. “We have so much internalized guilt around our domestic capabilities. …And we’re taught throughout our entire childhood that we are going to be valued based on our looks and our ability to be domestic goddesses. …Men are just not taught this or exposed to this.”
She continues, “No one is inherently born genetically to enjoy cleaning, and no one is inherently born to enjoy a cleaner house. That’s not something you’re born into when you’re born with a vagina. It’s socialized. So, women are gonna be much more attuned to the fact that if a guest comes over, and the house isn’t in a good state, it will be the woman who is more likely judged for that than the man. And she is cripplingly aware of that fact.”
“So, it’s easy to say, ‘Oh, well, she just cares more about it. I don’t care, so I’m not gonna do it,'” Zoë concludes, “but that is a gross simplification of the matter. Why does she care? Why is it important? And what are you actually getting away with when you say, ‘I don’t care?’ Because it’s a privilege not to have to care about those things.”
People flooded the comments on Zoë’s video, particularly women who have dealt with exactly what she’s describing, and totally agree:
Zoë told BuzzFeed that her TikTok was actually inspired by a conversation she had with a partner who made the cleaning comment about his ex. “I debunked his entire claim to the point where he was like, ‘Wow, I never considered all that, that was an incredible conversation, thanks so much for educating me.’ I then noticed an extreme change in his behavior: he started contributing a lot more to the household labor and did every single job there was to do without me having to ask or ‘project manage’ the chores. It got me thinking about the dozens of times I have heard this mistaken view by men, and how to educate others on the topic.”
When asked why she thinks this mentality is so common, Zoë responded, “When it comes to gender and domestic labor, the situation is far from simple. It’s not just a matter of ‘she likes it cleaner than me,’ or ‘she enjoys cleaning, so why should I have to do it if she has higher standards?’ The statistics from the Australian Bureau of Statistics reveal that only 42% of men contribute to housework, compared to 70% of women. This discrepancy is not because women have more free time, but rather due to deeply ingrained gender roles. These roles are often so deeply embedded and socialized that we aren’t even aware of them.”
She continued, “Women face much harsher judgment for the state of their homes, their parenting style, and their appearance compared to men. Therefore, it is crucial for couples to establish an agreed-upon standard of care for their home and strive to meet halfway on those standards. It’s time to move away from outdated and gendered stereotypes and roles that continue to burden women with an unfair share of domestic labor, in addition to the mental and emotional labor required to manage a household effectively.”
In terms of what men can do to help reduce the domestic burden on their female partners, Zoë told BuzzFeed, “Every household is unique, and ultimately, it boils down to personal choices. However, it’s crucial for men to recognize that women face greater scrutiny and criticism if the home doesn’t meet a certain standard. Within a heterosexual dynamic, it’s not acceptable for men to dismiss the issue as ‘her domain’ and leave women to shoulder an unfair burden of domestic labor on top of their paid jobs, as is increasingly expected of women today.”
“Men have an obligation to acknowledge how they benefit from and perpetuate gender roles and norms in our society,” Zoë told BuzzFeed. “The perpetuation of these roles only serves to disempower women economically, socially, and emotionally, keeping them vulnerable and confined to unpaid and often invisible domestic labor within the household. Men must take responsibility for addressing these unfair standards by examining their own contributions to the household, and engaging in open and honest conversations with their partners about their feelings regarding their domestic responsibilities.”
However, Zoë also made a point so say that it’s not just an individual responsibility. “Society as a whole has a broader obligation to provide equal parental leave policies that afford both parents the opportunity to contribute to the home equally. Such policies would help challenge traditional gender roles and foster a more balanced and equitable division of labor within households. By working together, we can create a society that values and respects the contributions of all individuals, regardless of gender, and dismantle the systemic barriers that hinder progress towards gender equality.”
In closing, Zoë expressed gratitude for how well her content was received, and shared how she wants to use her content help others on a larger scale. “It brings me joy to know that my TikTok videos have resonated with people, to the extent that they share them with their partners in order to have difficult conversations about domestic labour and gender. This indicates that my content is making a positive impact and fostering healthier discussions within relationships. By using TikTok as a medium, I hope to contribute to a more inclusive and equal society, where women feel empowered and confident in expressing their needs and aspirations.”
To see even more of Zoë’s content on feminism and gender equality, you can follow her on TikTok. And be sure to check out She’s A Crowd for support on gender-based violence.
Source: https://www.buzzfeed.com/shelbyheinrich/women-like-to-clean-more-tiktok