Therapists Say These 4 Comments Harm Your Kids’ Relationship With Food

Passing judgment on kids’ food by labeling it “good” or “bad” should be avoided. Young kids live in a world of good versus bad, explained Dr. Erica Miller, a psychologist with Connected Minds NYC. “They really put things into boxes, and as adults, we know that nothing needs to be off-limits, or that no food is all good or bad all the time, but kids don’t know how to make sense of all that,” she added.

Instead of labeling foods as “good” or “bad,” try a non-judgmental approach and focus on what value a particular item provides. For example, oft-vilified carbs provide fuel to active, growing bodies, and fats help bodies absorb certain vitamins. “Understanding nutritional value helps start to change [kids’] language,” Katangian-Avala said. “Whether it’s a carb or a fat versus a fruit or a vegetable, at the end of the day, it’s just providing us with our adequate nutrition.”

If your child has a proclivity for, say, sweets, it’s also OK to just make the item unavailable to them — even if they know where you’ve hidden the candy stash. “You can just say, ‘It’s not on the menu, we’re going to have it on Tuesday,’” said dietitian Jennifer Anderson of Kids Eat In Color. “You don’t owe your child an explanation, and if you do provide an explanation, it can work against your efforts.” Once kids think of different foods (treats included) on an even playing field, the more likely they are to listen to their own hunger cues and determine what they really want to eat. 

“Ugh, my belly is getting big from all of those [insert treats]!”

If you’re prone to speaking negatively about your body, or your child’s body, especially in relation to food, it’s important to consider the impact it’s having on your kids. At the Center of Discovery, where Katangian-Avala works with patients in recovery from eating disorders, she often talks to parents about how their own dieting affects their children. A kid that hears a parent complain about their body and restrict certain foods may feel like they need to do the same. “Because of puberty and how they’re growing, we provide that education. Their bodies will change,” she said.

If other adults in your child’s world make these kinds of comments, it’s appropriate to step in and put the kibosh on it. “What you say about food is important, but that’s not the root of the issue. The root is internalized weight bias and all this drama around that. The more a child has this weight bias and this idea that thin is better, the more food becomes a drama point,” said Anderson.

To address this with a loved one, kindly and clearly tell them in private that body commentary isn’t welcome around your child. When these sorts of comments are made, Anderson suggested saying something along the lines of: “All bodies come in different shapes and sizes — you’re a good person regardless of body size.”

“I’ll give you a cookie after you eat that broccoli,” or “Finish everything on that plate and I’ll give you dessert.”