The 1 Thing Therapists Say Harms Your Happiness The Most

‘Should’ Statements

“Another thing that kind of goes along with comparative thinking is expectations, like what your life should be or should look like,” Dahlberg said.

These are called “should” statements. They could be as minor as “I should have done the laundry today” or, more often, nebulous, like “I should be further along in my career by now” or “I should be more fulfilled.”

When thinking about “should” statements, Dahlberg noted you’re leaving the present moment.

“If you can, try and focus on really being present where you are, taking a look at what’s around you, what’s right in front of you in the moment and trying to find what you can appreciate from it, even … in a really difficult circumstance,” she said. This can help you feel lighter and happier.

Not Having A Strong Connection With Yourself

According to Siddiqi, when it comes to adults, lacking a strong connection with yourself damages your happiness. “That can look like outsourcing your worth, not knowing your own values, your own limitations, your own strengths,” she said.

If you’re someone who outsources your own worth, your feelings about yourself come from the opinions of other people and society as a whole. Additionally, if you don’t know your own values, limitations and strengths, you’ll have trouble determining the things that make you feel fulfilled — or, on the contrary, empty.

It’s important to understand yourself, which includes accepting your flaws, she said.

“It doesn’t mean you turn a blind eye to what your limitations are, but it’s really about how you approach them,” Siddiqi said.

And when you have a stronger connection with yourself, you can learn what you need to fill your cup, such as setting healthy boundaries.

“It really starts with those small things. Positive small talk, affirmation, doing things independently … so you feel more confident taking action,” Siddiqi said.

Ignoring Deeper Problems

It can feel hard to be honest and vulnerable in a society that encourages a glass-half-full mentality. But when you push down deep-seated issues, you’re actually harming your happiness — and this especially goes for trauma, Moore-Lobban said.

“We know that trauma is very prevalent in our society in lots of different ways, right? Whether it’s trauma that people have experienced in relationships or with family and their childhood, in their adulthood, racial trauma … homophobia against folks, xenophobia: All the things of life that are hard and really overwhelm our ability to cope for a particular time stick with us,” Moore-Lobban said.

As difficult as it is, she said it’s important to unpack your trauma to achieve the joy you deserve in life.“[We have to] look at what has happened underneath if we’re really going to find a place of healing from it,” Moore-Lobban said.

“I think that being able to explore and understand the experiences that people have had in life, even when they are challenging and negative, I think that’s a part of getting to happiness,” she added.

If you don’t find a way to address and be honest about the challenges in your life, then you’re being inauthentic to yourself, “which isn’t fair to yourself and is not going to help your happiness or your healing,” Moore-Lobban said.

Additionally, Siddiqi said she thinks “it is hard for people to feel happy because of underlying mental health issues that biologically prevent them from feeling joy — things like depression, mood disorders.” 

In these cases, additional interventions may be necessary, such as lifestyle changes, medication management or support from a therapist. If you think you fall into this category, you can look to databases like Psychology Today to find a mental health provider to help you feel better.

Isolation

Isolation is a major source of unhappiness and even depression, according to Lewis. “We’re connected on social media, but I think it’s important for us to think about who are we connecting with in our day.”

Lewis said it’s becoming all too common to go days without connecting with loved ones or your community, and that can lead to feelings of loneliness and can make you feel isolated.

“We’re all interconnected. We’re all in this together,” Lewis stressed.

To keep yourself from feeling isolated, call your family members, invite a friend or neighbor over for a drink or make plans with a co-worker to get dinner after work. 

How Else To Capture More Joy In Your Everyday Life

The first step is creating an intention. “When we wake up, most people think about their extensive to-do list … I like to think about how do I want to feel today — you know that sets the day off in a different way,” Lewis said.

For example, if she says that she wants to feel at ease today, she will think about the things she can add to her day to evoke that feeling.

“Then I think about, too ― it could be a little dark ― but I do consider, what if this were my last day? How do I want to do this life?” Lewis said. “And I try to remember that and make choices from that place.”

So if Lewis doesn’t want to be in a funk or doesn’t want to hold a grudge, she makes sure her actions mirror this throughout the day.

“And I know there [are] deeper traumas that we’re all likely working through, but the one thing we can control is really just the moment we have in front of us,” she said.

Additionally, try not to make “happiness” your final outcome. 

“For my young adult clients, one thing I always encourage them to remember is that you have to avoid thinking of happiness as a goal or your final outcome,” Siddiqi said. 

“One thing I see all the time: My clients will say ‘I just want to be happy,’ and then I’ll ask them ‘What does happiness look like for you?’ and they’ll say ‘I want to get married,’ ‘I want to get into this graduate program,’ ‘I want to lose 10 pounds,’ and there are all these concrete goals … a lot of them find that when they [reach their goals], there are still a lot of problems in life, there are still issues, they haven’t reached this ‘happiness,’” Siddiqi said.

Instead of looking at happiness as a destination, think of it as the choices along the way, she noted. “Part of embracing and being open to happiness is accepting the ups and downs,” Siddiqi said.

She encourages folks to remember that even in your lowest moments you have to be open to finding things that are good, and even in your highest moments you have to be grounded enough to remember that everything is temporary and the ebbs and flows of life are normal.

“It’s not one goal, it’s not one final outcome that I need to associate my happiness with,” she said. Because, if you do that, you’ll forever be searching for a fleeting moment.

Lewis added that even beyond happiness, you should strive for a life full of joy and fulfillment. “There’s a lot of toxic positivity around ‘I just want you to be happy,’” Lewis said.

Lewis said happiness looks different for different people, which can put pressure on the term “happiness.” It’s much easier to decipher if you feel joyful and if you feel fulfilled in your life.

Originally published on HuffPost.