The 1 Thing Therapists Say Harms Eldest Daughters’ Happiness The Most

“A lot of times, what I will have clients do is be curious about something from their childhood they missed out on because they were busy over-functioning,” Harris explained.

For example, if you wished that you could go to a swimming pool with your friends but always had to rush home to babysit your siblings, treat yourself with a visit to the pool.

“What did ‘little you’ want to do that you didn’t get to do?” Harris said. Once you decide on that, do some of those things. “Little-kid you had to be tougher than you should have ever had to be. So we want to comfort little-kid you now, so that you can feel like you can soften in the present,” she added

It’s also important to be gentle on yourself, which can include journaling, taking a responsibility off your plate so you can rest, or not punishing yourself when you make a mistake, Harris said. You should also find at least one person you can count on and go to when you’re having a bad day — and it shouldn’t be someone in your family system.

“I really think when we can soften to ourselves and be gentle with ourselves, every single thing in our life changes,” Harris added. “We’re going to have the same day no matter what. But if we can be kinder to ourselves through it, then at the end of the day we’re not as miserable, we’re not as tired, we’re less fatigued.”

For eldest daughters who thrive off rigidity and perfectionism, it can be hard to stop that cycle. “It’s like, ‘If I’m not hard on myself, then I’m not safe,’” Harris said. But that isn’t true, she stressed. What was true when you were a child is not true in adulthood, when you have more resources and autonomy.

“That’s a hard thing for the brain to buy into, but if you can soften to yourself a little bit, the body really likes that message,” Harris said. “The body really is thankful when we’re not so hard on ourselves.”

This article originally appeared on HuffPost.