Relationship Experts Reveal Immediate Red Flags in Couples Therapy

13.

“Boundary violations. Testing boundaries a little bit is okay, but repeatedly violating boundaries is a big red flag. Folks, knowing your boundaries, how to set them, and how to maintain them are so very important to your own personal well-being. Beyond that, learn how to respect other people’s boundaries. Boundaries don’t have to be permanent. They can change, but they can change because someone has earned it or lost it.”

“For example, maintain your routine. If you go to bed at 9 p.m. and wake up to work out at 5 a.m., maintain that. A decent person will respect that, but a non-decent person will try to bulldoze through it. It might look like, ‘Stay up talking with me, I’m lonely,’ or, ‘It’s romantic to talk all night.’ If you aren’t a teen, it isn’t cute. It actually makes you too tired to be present and critically reflective of the relationship. 

If they are teasing and making fun of your routine, you probably don’t have the same values. It isn’t about who is right or wrong, you probably aren’t on the same page.

Other good ones to pay attention to are ‘cute things’ that violate a boundary: ‘Hey, I have my kids this weekend, so no in-person time. I will only spend time on my phone after the kids go to bed at 8 p.m.’ Then, guess what, the person ‘cutely’ surprises you with a coffee. I’d give this a one-time pass (‘Thanks for the coffee. Sorry, I can’t have you in, I’m not ready for you to meet the kids.’), and their response to being called out will tell you so much.”

—u/jbuam