Money Red Flags To Look Out For In A Potential Partner

They make you feel ashamed about your financial situation

“If someone you’re dating makes you feel ashamed or embarrassed about your own financial situation, that’s a red flag,” Carson said. “This topic should be a no-shame zone when it comes to dating.”

Not everyone has the luxury of earning a six-figure salary (or more), so if someone is making you feel inadequate about your paycheck or scant savings, they’re probably not worth your time. A good partner should be understanding and offer encouragement as you set financial goals, even if you don’t always meet them. 

They’re overly flashy

“Another red flag is when someone is living a publicly lavish lifestyle and it almost feels like they’re in it to impress,” Tsoir said. “Sometimes it’s true wealth, but more often than not this is just smoke screen.”

Tsoir advised paying attention to how your date talks about and makes money-related decisions.

“Do they offer a more money-savvy option and explain it, or do they just pay for everything to impress you?” she asked. “I would be wary of the ‘impress’ part. It could not only mean they’re reckless with spending, but also they’re most likely not serious about a potential relationship and just want a fling.”

Psychotherapist Noorhayati Said similarly recommended taking note of their lifestyle preferences ― whether they only eat at expensive restaurants or mix it up with a casual slice of pizza, if they only wear trendy designer clothes or also shop for more reasonably priced pieces, and how much they spend on vacations. 

“If their job description and salary don’t add up to his lifestyle, it’s not difficult to discover whether they are living beyond their means or paycheck to paycheck,” Said noted. 

They don’t tip

“If they are frugal in situations where you believe they should be more generous, pay attention to that,” Hoffman said.

Many people use “the waiter rule” to evaluate potential partners. The idea is simple ― you can tell a lot about someone by the way they treat service workers. And tipping plays a big part in that. 

“A client recently told me that she went out on a lavish date with someone but when they rode in a taxi to their next location, she could see on the payment screen that he entered an embarrassingly low tip of less than a dollar for a professional and efficient driver,” Hoffman said. “I confirmed her suspicions that it said something about his character that he would fork out lots of money for someone he was trying to impress, but devalue someone in the service industry who he thought he’d never see again. They didn’t have another date after that.”

There’s no clarity around their career or finance goals

“Many people ask in their early dates, ‘What are your goals?’ or ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’” Carson said. “Those questions are trying to understand if your potential partner has a plan for their future and how you could potentially fit in. Those questions are trying to understand if they have a plan for employment, housing, and views on family dynamics.”

A potential red flag is if they have no clarity around their career and financial goals, as this makes it difficult to understand if you’re compatible in this realm. 

“Asking them how they like to spend their free time, their passions and goals in life will tell you a lot about how they spend their money and what they want to accomplish,” Said explained. “This will clue you in on what’s important to them. How we spend shows what we value. Ultimately, it’s not about how much money they make, but gaining clarity on their relationship to money.”

If they can’t provide any insight into their needs and goals, you won’t know if you have shared values and can make important decisions together. 

They have debt problems

Having debt is not itself a red flag, but the way someone handles it might be. 

On a recent episode of Hoffman’s podcast, money expert Nicole Lapin broke down the notion of “good” and “bad” types of debt.

“Someone having a mortgage on a property or student loans isn’t the same as credit card debt,” Hoffman explained. “When you marry someone, they assume your debt and vice versa, so you have to be aware of their financial situation if things get serious. I wouldn’t call it a red flag for early dating, but definitely something to discuss before the relationship progresses.”

Consider the type of debt, whether they have a plan to pay it off and how effectively they can stick with it.

“A red flag is if they are borrowing money to make ends meet,” Carson said. “This could mean that they are overextended on their credit or don’t manage their money well. It would be important to understand if this a short-term cash flow issue or a signal to a larger issue.”

They lie about money

“A healthy relationship is built in part on shared values with money touching a lot of these values,” Said noted. “Lying about your finances can and will ultimately strain your relationship and cause you to lose trust in your partner.”

The urge to hide or ignore money problems is understandable, but it’s crucial for partners to be honest about finances. Secrets and lies will only drive you apart and potentially lead to even worse financial issues. 

“The money discussion can bring up a lot of feelings, inadequacy, resentment, and feelings about dependence,” Said explained. “Fears of judgment or embarrassment can also come up, especially if your money situation is less than ideal. It’s important to treat these feelings as valid, and something that you can acknowledge and process as a couple.”