Is It OK To Allow Your Child To Exclude A Family Member With An Allergy?

Though it seems completely strange to me, excluding or including children with allergies (or people with allergies) is a hot-button issue. There’s a lot of pushback from people who don’t have allergies who believe they should be able to eat what they like, when they like, and that those who cannot are the ones who should make the necessary accommodations.

The thing is, most of the time they already do.

OP’s daughter is turning 7. When asked what kind of cake she wanted she said her favorite – peanut butter and chocolate.

Because OP’s nephew (3) is allergic to peanuts, she called to let her sister know he wouldn’t be able to come to the party.

So my daughter recently turned seven, and for our “family part” she asked for a peanut butter and chocolate cake. I agreed.

I let my sister know not to bring my nephew (3) because of his allergy. (It’s so bad that he can’t even be near/breathe in peanut butter particles).

The sister asked why the girl couldn’t have the cake at her friend party and something everyone could eat at the family party, but OP informed her there was no cake at the friend party and this is what her daughter wants, end of story.

She asked if I would change the cake to be just chocolate so that my nephew could come. I said no, that it was my daughter’s cake and she can have peanut butter if she wants.

She called me unreasonable because my daughter could have had peanut butter cake with her ‘friend party’ (she didn’t have cake with her friends, she just had pizza). She said that my daughter needs to learn to compromise for the sake of family.

I told her that I would talk to my daughter, but not to expect a seven year old to choose her baby cousin over her favorite cake.

The sister did not attend the party either and now there is distance between them.

My conversation with my daughter played out just like I predicted, and when I told my sister, she called my daughter selfish and ungrateful. She said that I’m a bad parent because I “taught her to hate (nephew)”. She threatened that if my nephew wasn’t welcome, that neither she nor her husband would come either. I said that was fine, because she wasn’t welcome either.

I then reached out to my BIL to let him know what was going on and to tell him he was still welcome if he wanted to come. He thanked me, but said that he would stay home to support my sister.

Her party came and went, and my sister is still being very distant and cold. This has me wondering if I was too harsh to her and my nephew, or too soft on my daughter. AITA?

Was OP wrong to put her daughter’s preference first on her birthday? Let’s find out what Reddit thinks!

The top comment goes NTA but does suggest some empathy could go a long way in the future.

But this person, and others, think that sometimes being selfish is okay.

This commenter calls OP a great mom.

And this person also thought OP could have handled it differently (but still doesn’t think they’re wrong).

This commenter with experience says the sister should have been the one to offer to make some alterations.

I have to say, I am a hard disagree with Reddit on this one.

I would not allow my child to exclude a cousin at a family party over a cake preference. They can choose something else for the party and have their favorite the following day!