Adam Levine’s (Alleged) Sexts Are Amazingly Bad

Some people have rightly made the point that nobody’s sexts would stand up to public scrutiny. “There is no way to sext without sounding cringe to an outsider,” one tweet read. They’re designed to be read by a small audience, typically one person, within the context of an existing, pre-charged rapport. Each to their own, obviously! What floats your boat may sink my ship! etc. And sexting with someone famous probably lends an inherent frisson to the proceedings. Let’s take Tiger Woods’s alleged 2009 messages to Jaimee Grubbs, a server whom the golf player was rumored to be involved with. The New York Post published the supposed transcript, which included the lines:

Jaimee: I drove out for the night to surprise a friend with a present for there birthday

Tiger: what kind of present your naked body

A critic might say there’s something childish about changing the subject from benign day-to-day activities to nudity, not to mention the strangely ba-doom-tshh cadence to the rejoinder. A grammar stickler might sniff at all the missing punctuation and capitalization. But let’s not be snobs about it. Plus, in the dead of night, do these things matter?

Later in the transcript, there’s a line that arguably anybody could use with a decent chance of success. “you just need some attention from me,” the New York Post quotes Woods as allegedly saying. Which seems fine! It’s committed, direct, but mysterious enough to invite more conversation. Not bad at all. Soon after that, the pièce de résistance: “quiet and secretively we will always be together.” Wait, did Sylvia Plath write this?

Some people have argued that there’s nothing unusual about these types of texts. Some have even argued that they are “perfect.” As long as you’re not harassing someone and you’ve secured the appropriate consent, you should express your desires freely, creatively, and however feels correct for your unique and wonderful self! But should any famous person decide that they wanted to, say, DM me right now (haha, jk…), I have a couple of tips. Try not to channel a teenager. But compliments are always good. Flattery never hurt anyone! “It is truly unreal how f–king hot you are”? Hard to be mad at that. ●