This Is What Harms Married People’s Happiness The Most, Therapists Say

It’s easy for married couples to become two ships passing in the night, each so preoccupied by their own personal to-do lists, worries and distractions that they rarely have a moment of true connection. But when you fail to take each other’s “emotional pulse on a near-daily basis,” it has a way of widening the distance between you, said Los Angeles-based couples therapist David Narang.

“This leaves you isolated from each other, and more vulnerable to more intense conflict and also to possible betrayals,” he told HuffPost.

Narang suggests spending 15 to 20 minutes each night talking about the events of the day and, more importantly, getting into the “emotional impact of those events — e.g. joy, stress, fear or sadness — on each partner.” Ask questions so you can really understand where your partner is coming from. 

“When we feel known by our partner, we are getting the closeness we need, and so we are spontaneously more likely to protect our couple,” Narang said.

“This protection means, for example, that when there is a conflict, we are more likely to contain it rather than to send it off the rails,” he said. “This protection also extends to strengthening our resolve to avoid betraying our partner, both because we specifically want to avoid hurting our spouse due to the feelings of closeness, and because it is now difficult for another acquaintance to look as appealing as one’s partner.”

Putting yourself last

You’re probably familiar with the airplane oxygen mask analogy: You must put on your own mask first before you’re able to help others. This line of thinking applies to marriage, too, Saunders said. You can’t be a great partner if you’re constantly putting other people’s needs before your own.

“If you hate your body, consistently put your personal aspirations aside, and disregard your emotional well-being, it becomes challenging to be your best self within the relationship,” Saunders said. “Reserving time each day for self-care promotes self-confidence, a positive outlook and overall happiness. Infusing the relationship with this energy on a daily basis immediately improves the dynamic.”

Blaming your partner for your unhappiness 

As a marriage and family therapist, Makepeace often sees clients who believe that their partner’s actions or inactions are the reason they themselves are unhappy.

“Although unintentional, spouses can channel the disappointment in their lives into anger towards their partner, or use them as a scapegoat for their own failings,” she said.

“We are sometimes deeply affected by the actions of our partners,” she said. “But just as with all other relationships, we can only control our own actions.”

Remember that we are each responsible for our own happiness. Shifting your thinking here can help soften feelings of anger and dissatisfaction “and make both members of the couple more empowered to work towards their own joy,” Makepeace said.

Not asking for help or support

One of the biggest threats to happiness in long-term relationships is the belief that you and your partner “can get through your whole lives just relying on each other, especially in times of turmoil in the relationship,” Bailey said.

It’s a show of strength — not weakness — to lean on others for emotional support when you need it.

“It might sound self-serving as a therapist to say to ‘get a therapist,’ but trust and believe that your relational counselor is also in therapy and talking about their relationships,” Bailey said. “No one is an island.”

Bailey said their clients have also had success in support groups within their communities and from their inner circles.

“I find that people who are unwilling to talk about their relationship, warts and all, to their support networks are doing so at the expense of their happiness,” Bailey said. “Your support network is not there to judge your partner, but rather to support you. Let them be there for you. It can make a world of difference.”

This post originally appeared on HuffPost.