Relationship Advice Questions And Answers

My advice: I don’t know you or your in-laws personally, so I can’t speak to the dynamic you all have or how you treat each other on a regular basis. I’ve covered some content on difficult in-laws, so I know those relationships can be fraught. That being said, is there a world in which they really thought they were doing something kind for you? Though it was perhaps overbearing and a bit controlling, do you think their hearts could’ve been in the right place? They wanted to celebrate their son and his marriage to you, and they went about it the only way they knew how. I’m not saying it was right to exclude you/call all the shots, but I also don’t want to immediately assume malice. It sounds like they were excited to welcome you to the family. Of course, I don’t know how they behaved during this reception. Did they exclude you and your parents? Did they make their son the star of the show and act like you weren’t even there?

How they behaved while at the reception impacts my answer. Of course, I still feel iffy about them planning the reception without any input from you or your husband. Just confirming, your husband didn’t know about the reception either, correct? Does he have a close relationship with his parents? Is it common for his parents to overstep in his daily life? 

I’m curious as to how your husband reacted to all of this. Assuming he also didn’t know about the reception, how did he respond to the surprise? Was he excited, mad, confused, grateful, etc.? Did he also want his parents to apologize for going behind your backs? Does he know how you feel toward his parents? Are either of you working toward mending that relationship or having an open discussion with them? Whether or not you and your husband are on the same page also heavily impacts the situation. As a couple, you probably need to have a discussion on boundaries. 

When it come to guilt-tripping, I find that method of communication to be passive aggressive and uncomfortable. Your in-laws could express their feelings in a more productive way, so I understand why that’s frustrating. I do think your husband needs to be the one drawing boundaries with his parents and establishing what you two, as a couple, want and expect from your relationship with them. I don’t think anything good will come from you telling them “where to stick it” because it’ll put your husband in an awkward place if he hasn’t been given the chance to communicate with them on how you’re both feeling. 

While I think establishing boundaries moving forward is vital, I don’t think holding grudges over the past is going to get anyone anywhere. If you were able to have a conversation with your in-laws where you, in a non-accusatory way, expressed how being excluded from the reception planning hurt you and they offered an apology, would you be able to move forward? Have you and your husband point-blank initiated any sort of interaction that could bring peace to this situation, or are unresolved issues just piling up until someone snaps? 

I’m sorry that they planned a reception without your input and made you feel left out, but it’s in the past now, and everyone must reckon with it. It can’t be changed, but it can be learned from. 

You want to move forward. How can you all be adults and address the tension? Are people willing to apologize for the sake of moving on? Can boundaries be implemented for the future? You and your husband need to get on the same page and go from there. You are a team, and you are his family now, but these are also his parents. If his relationship with them has always been largely positive and this is the one sore spot, it’s not worth potentially destroying bonds. Sometimes, the hardest conversations are the ones most worth having. Best of luck to you and your family!