Gay Men Answer Questions Straight Men Are Afraid To Ask

—ImbibingInAnguish

“There’s a lot less fear but still a lot of stigma, if that makes sense?

Like, there are really good meds available now, and HIV is very far from a death sentence (in the US, at least). It can even be the case that modern meds can suppress your viral load so far that you’re effectively not able to transmit to someone else. Still though, I’ve talked to people who say they would never sleep with someone who was HIV+, even with protection and even if they are undetectable (the meds are working so well that you test negative even knowing you’re HIV+).

Another thing that affects it: The population of queer men is getting younger. I’m 28. I didn’t know what AIDS was until 1999, and I didn’t understand the connection to being gay until maybe middle school (so around 2005 or so). I don’t know anyone personally who died of AIDS. My parents do, though. It’s different to fear something that your parents and grandparents had to endure than something you’ve seen the horrors of yourself.

It’s still there as part of our history though. In spaces where I’ve met and chatted with queer elders, there are so so few men in their 60s, compared to women. We still remember.”

—ArsanL

“That was my mom’s #1 concern when I came out to her (she grew up in the 1980s when it was a big deal).

The answer is nowadays they’re not as afraid as they used to be. People are living 40-plus years with HIV because the meds we have now are so advanced that you can pretty much live a normal life on them. It’s about as close to a cure as we can get. That said, they’re still medications with side effects, and a lot of guys don’t think of it.

There’s also PrEP now, which is a daily medication sexually active guys take that almost entirely reduces the risk of acquiring the virus. Some men (and women) who are in relationships with HIV+ people take this medication, too.”

—KR1735