Providing accurate horoscopes can be tricky, that’s why we here at Funny Or Die made a special pact with the moon to get the inside scoop on what’s coming down the astrological pipes this week for you. Trust us, it’s science.
C A P R I C O R N
goat fish! super normal! December 22 – January 20
Get in touch with your goat roots this week, Capricorn. Be a goat this week. Eat some grass. Stand on your desk at work on all fours. Bleat all day long
Be careful what you eat this week! The planets told me that certain foods are going to make all of your teeth fall out violently. They didn’t say which ones but they ASSURED ME it will happen. So good luck
A Q U A R I U S
AAAAAGE OF AQUARIUUUUUS. January 21 – February 18
Finances are looking good this week, Aquarius! This is the perfect time to take out a fat stack of dollar bills and stuff them into your pants like a straw-filled scarecrow. Money attracts more money! It’s science just do it
You will have three children. Gold will be their crowns and gold their shrouds.