If you’re looking for a clever joke that’ll get a laugh every time, you came to the right place. We’ve scoured the internet for witty jokes that might take a second to land, but will definitely make you look like the sharpest, most amusing person in the room.
Read on for some funny quips that will definitely have you cracking up, and bookmark this page so you can cheer yourself and the people around you up whenever you’re in a pinch.
1. Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A: Because if they had four they’d be chicken sedans.
2. A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre. So the bartender gives it to her.
3. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
4. Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: About halfway.
5. A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
“Quiero calcetines,” said the man.
“I don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines,” said the man.
“Well, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines,” repeated the man.
“I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,” insisted the man.
“These sweaters are top quality,” the salesgirl probed.
“No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines,” said the man.
“Our undershirts are over here,” fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
“No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines,” the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, “Eso sí que es!”
“Why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!” yelled the salesgirl.
6. Did you know Iceland is just one sea away from Ireland?
7. A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
Librarian: “They’re right behind you!!”
8. A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips.
The librarian says, “this is a library.”
The man, says, “oh. Sorry.” (Then in a whisper) “I’d like some fish and chips.”
9. How does a rabbi make his coffee?
10. Dr Frankenstein entered a body building contest. Upon arrival, he realized he misunderstood the objective.
11. Why do blind people hate skydiving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
12. Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little antybodies.
13. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
14. Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A: One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
15. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
16. Q: What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A: A labracadabrador.
17. Q: What do you get when you mix a tortoise and a porcupine?
A: A slow poke.
18. I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.
19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “Five beers please.”
20. I love to tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that just makes me a faux pa.
21. Knock knock
22. 6:30 is hands down the best time of day.
23. “Well I’m sure everybody here already knows about Murphy’s law, but you guys probably don’t know about Cole’s law, am I right?”
“Whats Cole’s Law?”
“Well, it’s thinly sliced cabbage. Sometimes it has vinaigrette or mayonnaise”
24. A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch.
He picks it up and throws it across the street.
A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch.
The snail looks up and says, “What was *that* all about?”
25. What do you call two crows?
26. The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger. Instead of yelling “get down!” they have to yell “Donald, duck!”