This Guy Got Asked Out On A Date By A Wrong Number And It Escalated Quickly

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There is a certain kind of guy who will immediately text the woman he is interested in a dick pic, and you can usually identify him because he opens the conversation with *creepy asterisks*

If you’ve never seen or encountered this style of text, it’s sort of like role playing. The speaker says everything they’re doing in asterisks, and they type out a lot of stuttering. It’s believed to have carried over from anime films, where stuttering is supposed to denote shyness or chivalry—but it basically never translates. It’s a huge red flag.

This is the story of a creepy asterisk guy named Brandon, who started one of these exact conversations with the girl he was crushing on. Except it was a wrong number. He was actually texting with a guy, Reddit user Th3GreenMan56. Thankfully, Th3GreenMan56 shared the whole conversation with us. And if you feel sorry for Brandon, remember he sent a dick pic.

You can see below that Brandon tries to be cute, but also refuses to believe he isn’t texting his fantasy girl, and also that she’d be thrilled to know what’s in his pants. Even if he wasn’t actually texting Th3GreenMan56, he’d be wrong!

Yes.

Everyone’s favorite part of this conversation is Brandon’s weird sad no at the end.

Captain_Jaxen wrote, “The ‘no’ actually made me laugh quite a bit, like how much denial can you even have?”

Flamingo_of_lies said, “I love the denial sprinkled through the post the masses of excuses that must have ran through his head and when eventually faced with having to accept all his mistakes all he can force is a single meek broken ‘no.'”

Then there’s this chain:

There were also a lot of questions about dick pics. Look, it’s 2018, I don’t know if we still need to keep discussing the psychology of the unsolicited dick pic. Clearly, the people who send them without asking do not care at all that the receivers don’t want them.

But folks still have questions!

“Could someone explain where this idea of showing your dick is somehow supposed to get you girls? You wouldn’t do it in real life so why pretend to be doing it all?” asked thelaughingmansghost, eventually editing to add,”Please stop replying to this comment, I’ve gotten more than enough answers.”

Here are a few of them:

Though some said they’d never understand it, even though they have a dick.

It’s too bad that our mustachioed hero had to deal with this unsolicited dick pic, but he was really taking one for the team.

Thank you to him, and also to Shannon, who did some quick thinking when she gave Brandon the wrong number. That’s a friend.

Love when girls support other girls!

But also, if you won’t ask someone for their number directly, you don’t deserve it.

Source : https://www.distractify.com/trending/2018/06/14/1f0JUt/wrong-number-date

Band Sparks Debate On Gender Pay Gap In Music Industry After Firing Their Manager

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The gender pay gap in the music industry is very, very real – even today. In some instances the bonus disparity between male and female executives is a whopping 49%.

A recent law in the UK stipulates that companies with more than 250 employees are required to reveal gender and wage gap data between all of its workers, and there have been some troubling findings as a result. It confirms the wage gap still exists, despite some companies faring better than others. (Sony Music UK, for example, shared a less than 5% wage gap).

Transparency is the first step in identifying which industries need to address the gaps in pay between genders, which is why many industries with murky and hush-hush compensation policies are so difficult to handle. Like music festivals.

Prices between bands and festival managers are usually negotiated on a per-event basis, which makes the lack of consistency difficult to peg down an exact date. There’s travel time to account for, how “out of the way” a festival performance might be for a band already on tour, and, of course, perceived ticket sale value of the act. 

This inevitably leads to “unknown” bands being paid less than headlining acts, and at some festivals, nothing at all, for the chance to share a stage with a band that has a huge following. Which is a problematic payment structure to say the least, and could deter many burgeoning new acts who often lose money for a chance to pursue their art. Combine that with the staggering gender-wage gap issues in the music industry, and for artists in general, and it’s not difficult to imagine new, female musical acts losing out on a lot of potential earnings.

The payment structure of music festivals and the wage gender gap became a hotly contested issue on social media when HAIM revealed they fired their booking manager after learning they received 1/10th the amount of a male act at the same festival.

In an interview with Italian magazine, Grazia, Danielle Haim, one of the three sisters who makes up the quartet revealed a familiar struggle that many up-and-coming musicians face when playing festivals with well-known headlining acts:

“We had been told that our fee was very low because you played at the festival in the hope you’d get played on the radio.”

“We didn’t think twice about it, but we later found out that someone was getting paid 10 times more than us. And because of that we fired our agent.”

HAIM didn’t reveal the name of the music festival, nor the headlining act that they said they received less money than, but many believe that the act in question was Muse.

Festivals typically compensate bands with larger followings and a record of consistently high-volume ticket sales more money – even if the acts haven’t put out new music in a while.

And in the case of Australia’s Soundwave Music Festival, even if staggering appearance fees result in the festival becoming unprofitable, too.

The Smashing Pumpkins were set to receive $1.27 million for four shows played at the 2015 Soundwave Festival in Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney, and Adelaide. Soundgarden was slated to make $2.1 million, Slipknot, $1.65 million and Faith No More: $750,000.

Established bands’ fan demographics tend to skew towards older crowds. Older fans tend to have more stable, secure forms of income and can afford higher ticket prices, and bands that once ruled the era of CDs are used to bigger profits and are living comfortably so it’s going to take them more money to get off the couch and perform. All of the aforementioned bands do share something in common, too: they’re predominantly male acts. When it comes to artist inclusion in the recording studio, there’s also a notable gender disparity as well.

This study analyzed 600 chart-topping hits from 2012-2017. 22% of the songs were performed by female artists, 12% of them were written by women and a dismal 2% were produced by women. The music business beast, from all accounts, is heavily dominated by men.

When it came to the comments regarding HAIM’s festival fees, many of the comments centered on whether or not the band should’ve expected to be paid as much as Muse.

Some claimed that HAIM firing their agent without revealing the name of the band they were getting paid less than doesn’t mean they were earning less because they were female, but because the other band may have been considered a “bigger” draw.

Others are saying that HAIM firing their manager for being paid less at a festival isn’t a “gender issue at all” and more of a question on which band will bring in crowds.

Some argued that HAIM’s demand for fairer pay is less about the economics of music festivals, and more about equality for hard working artists.

Forbes top paid artists of 2017 only includes two women: Beyonce and Adele. Breakout female rapper, Cardi B revealed that she was paid $70,000 a day to perform at Coachella. Beyonce’s Coachella performance earned her an estimated $3-4 million – about 43 times the amount than the Bronx-repping lyricist and this was after Cardi B. broke a staggering billboard record held by Beyonce.

HAIM, formed in 2007 was nominated for a “Best New Artist” distinction in 2015 and had two top ten billboard albums with “Days are Gone” and “Something to tell you” in 2013 and 2017 respectively. The band has sold some 330,000 albums worldwide (accounting for CD sales, digital downloads). As of this writing, HAIM accounts for 1,806,293 monthly listeners and their top 10 most popular tracks were played a collective 245,293,775 times.

Muse, formed in 1994, has 4 Grammy nominations and 2 wins for Best Rock Album for their 2016 Drones and The Resistance. They’ve sold over 20 million records and have been featured in major studio film soundtracks, most notably the Twilight films. They currently account for 6,452,400 monthly listeners on Spotify and their top 10 tracks were streamed 812,750,854 times. They also are the first band to sell-out the newly renovated Wembley Stadium, which has a 90,000 seating capacity.

HAIM will share the stage with Muse at the end of June at Rock in Rio festival.

Source : https://www.distractify.com/trending/2018/06/14/Z675Wo/haim-fires-manager

50 Bear Puns That Are UnBEARably Hilarious

Just wait until you get your paws on these bear puns!

If you saw a bear in the wild, it would be nothing to laugh about. But since you are in the safety of your home, these bear puns are going to tickle your funny  bone. You’re going to be laughing so hard you won’t be able to BEAR it.

If you want to put yourself in a better mood, here are the best bear puns that will drive you wild:

1. What do you call a bear without any teeth?

A gummy bear.

2. What would bears be without bees?

Ears.

3. What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?

I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.

4. What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?

A molar bear.

5. How can a bear catch fish without a pole?

They use their bear hands.

6. What is a bear’s favorite soda?

Coca Koala.

7. Why do pandas love watching classic movies?

Because they are in black and white.

8. Why did God create Yogi bear?

Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.

9. What happens when a bear is in the rain for too long?

He becomes a drizzly bear.

10. Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?

Because they live on ice only.

11. What is a bear’s favorite dessert?

Blue beary pie.

12. How do you apologize to a koala?

Bear your heart and soul to them.

13. Why don’t bears eat fast food?

Because it’s hard for them to catch.

14. Why did the koala get fired from his job?

Because he would only do the bear minimum.

15. What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?

He was told he was not koala-fied.

16. Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?

He was already stuffed.

17. Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?

They were polar opposites.

18. Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?

It was panda-monium.

19. How did the grizzly walk in the snow?

Bear footed.

20. Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?

Because he never lost his bearings.

21. Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?

Yoga Bear.

22. What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?

Brrrrrittos.

23. How does a bear stop a movie?

They hit the paws button.

24. What do grizzlies use in the shower?

Bear conditioner.

25. Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?

I call them bite-mares.

26. Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?

Seal.

27. What is a koala’s favorite exercise?

Bearobics.

28. How does a bear get from one place to another?

On a bear-o-plane.

29. What do you call a polar bear in Florida?

A solar bear.

30. What is a polar bear’s favorite food?

Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.

31. What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?

Ice Crispies.

32. What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?

About 1,000 miles.

33. Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?

To the snow-ball.

34. Where do polar bears keep their money?

In a snow bank.

35. What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?

The bearer of bad news.

36. Why did the bear quit his second job?

Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.

37. What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?

Peter Panda.

38. What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?

Bipolar.

39. Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?

Because he couldn’t bear it!

40. Why was the little bear so spoiled?

Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!

41. What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?

A teddy boar.

42. What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?

Winnie the PU!

43. What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?

A Furrari.

44. What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?

Hunny.

45. What does pooh eat at parties?

Blue bear-y pie.

46. Why did the bear dissolve in water?

It was polar.

47. How do you stop a bear from charging?

Take away its credit cards.

48. Why do polar bears wear fur coats?

Because they would look weird in ski jackets.

49. What do you call a freezing bear?

A brrrrrrr.

50. I’ll think of another pun soon…

Just bear with me. TC mark

Source : https://thoughtcatalog.com/january-nelson/2018/06/bear-puns/

75+ Cheese Puns That Will Give You A Gouda Laugh

Cheese puns are the best kind of humor for a cheese-lover. These cheese puns are very gouda and totally not cheesey!

What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?

Fondue-due.

What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?

“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”

What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?

“I’m mature for my age.”

What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?

“You make me melt.”

What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?

“I dis a brie.”

Cheese Puns

What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?

“You gouda brie kidding!”

What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?

The curdles.

What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?

“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”

What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?

R n’ Brie.

Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?

His pick-up line was too cheesey.

Cheese Puns

How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?

They tell you they are pretty fondue you.

What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?

Halloumi.

What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?

Morbier.

What kind of cheese to beavers eat?

Edam.

What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?

Epistemology and fetaphysics.

What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?

Build a roquefort.

What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?

Forever provolone.

How did the cheese professor start class every day?

Oh queso…

What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?

Nacho Man.

How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?

“I think you and I would look gouda together.”

Cheese Puns

What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?

Looking sharp!

What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?

To brie or not to brie.

What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?

“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”

What is a lion’s favorite cheese?

Roarquefort.

What cheese is made backwards?

Edam.

What cheese cries the most?

Babybel.

Why did the cheese get in trouble?

It was up to no gouda.

Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?

It’s a hole business strategy.

What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?

Make America grate again.

Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?

Someone always cuts the cheese.

Cheese Puns

What do you call a socialite made of cheese?

Paris Stilton.

What kind of cheese makes the best music?

Brieoncé.

Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?

The feta business bureau.

How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?

Caerphilly.

Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?

It was only mild.

What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?

A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.

What do they say when you leave the cheese store?

Have a gouda day!

Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?

In queso emergency.

Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?

It was too gouda to be true.

What do you call referential cheese?

Feta.

Cheese Puns

What did the commedian say after after a bad set?

That crowd was laughtose intolerant.

What kind of cheese protects a castle?

Moat-zarella.

How do you get a mouse to smile?

Say cheese.

Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?

He had grater plans.

Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?

It got provolonely.

What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?

“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”

What drives cheese crazy?

That everyone around them is crackers.

How can you tell when a cheese is depressed?

They get kinda blue.

Who were the first cheese lovers ever?

Edam and Eve.

How did the cheese get such curly hair?

It got a permasan.

Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?

How dairy.

What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?

Limb-burger.

What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?

The Stilton.

What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?

Livarot.

Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?

He was scared there was a munster under the bed.

What were the cheese’s wedding vows?

To havarti and to hold.

What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?

He cantal.

Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?

He was tired of the daily rind.

Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?

All that’s left is da brie.

What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?

Cheese sticks.

What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?

Mozart-arella.

What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?

Feta wap.

What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?

You cheddar few pounds.

Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?

It’s hole-y.

What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?

Ched-arrrrgh!

Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?

His wife gave him a restraining order.

What do you call a flying cheese?

A curd of prey.

What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?

Cheez it.

Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?

In queso emergency.

What do you call cheese who attends art openings?

Cultured.

What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?

Ricotta get through this.

How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?

Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.

Why do cheeses make bad musicians?

They’re always sharp.

What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?

Brie mine.

Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?

The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.

What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?

You’re cheddar off without him! TC mark

Source : https://thoughtcatalog.com/erin-cossetta/2018/06/cheese-puns/

Surrogate Mother Suing Bravo For Filming Birth Of Reality Star's Child Without Her Consent

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I witnessed my wife give birth to our two children and they were beautifully traumatic and surreal experiences each time.

As emotional as I was, I can’t even begin to imagine what the experience was like for my wife. Which is why I totally get how a curt nurse’s borderline rude comments upset my wife so much while she was in labor – she was dealing with a heck of a lot.

Audible sighing from a healthcare professional whenever you have a question and being told to “sit back and relax” after being in labor for hours is bad, but there are some labor/delivery horror stories that are way, way worse.

Like having your delivery recorded against your will and broadcast on cable TV for the entire world to see.

Which is exactly what Alexandra Trent, the surrogate for Flipping Out star Jeff Lewis and his partner Gage Edward, allegedly had to endure when she delivered their child in 2016. The moment was first shown on TV in August of 2017.

Trent sued the Bravo network for taking and airing footage of her genitalia without her permission. Her lawsuit also mentions “disgusting” comments made by Lewis and Edward regarding her body.

Namely that the couple allegedly made humiliating jokes about Trent’s pubic hair, as well as the size of her genitals.

“If I was a surrogate, and I had known there was going to be an audience, I probably would have waxed. And that was the shocking part for Gage. I don’t think Gage had ever seen a vagina, let alone one that big.”

Lewis even responded to the news on Twitter with a joke of his own.

Some people defended Lewis’ actions, saying that Trent basically should’ve know what she was in for when she agreed to carry his child.

But there were also a ton of people who weren’t exactly cool with the idea of Lewis belittling the mother of his child on national television.

Some commenters just feel bad about the baby’s birth being reduced to a lawsuit and jokes about Trent’s pubic hair.

Lewis and Edward released a classified ad in 2015 requesting a surrogate. Trent responded to the ad and after discovering that they wanted the pregnancy filmed for a show, she insisted that the delivery not be filmed.

Trent only agreed to ultrasound appointments being filmed, however, on the day of delivery, Bravo allegedly reneged on their agreement with Trent. Variety writes:

“According to the suit, the producers agreed to that condition, but then filmed it surreptitiously from behind a curtain. Neither she nor her doctor were aware that the cameras were rolling as the baby was born. She can be heard on the show screaming in pain, and according to the suit her blurred-out [genitalia] is shown on screen.”

Trent’s lawsuit states that Bravo ruined her reputation in an attempt to garner ratings:

“In their quest for ratings, Defendants have deeply damaged Trent and have caused incredible anguish, self-loathing, contempt and depression.”

Trent is reportedly seeking damages for “unlawful recording, invasion of privacy and fraud,” and she’s reportedly canceled another surrogacy commitment after learning of the clips at a networking event and seeing them online.

The lawsuit also states that Trent asked Bravo to remove the clips from online (unsuccessfully).

Bravo has yet to respond.

Source : https://www.distractify.com/trending/2018/06/13/uBVGD/surrogate-mother-bravo-suit

50 Fish Puns That Will Have You Drowning In Laughter

You could search through land and sea, but you are never going to find anything funnier than these fish puns.

Maybe you have a fish tank in your home. Maybe you go fishing every summer. Or maybe the closest you have come to swimming through the ocean was when you played Go Fish as a child.

No matter what your relationship to those undersea critters is, here are the best fish puns that will leave you gasping for breath.

1. Why did the fish get bad grades?

Because it was below sea level.

2. Where do sick fish go?

To see a sturgeon.

3. Why wouldn’t the little girl eat her sushi?

Because she thought it looked too fishy.

4. What are fish that act in movies called?

Starfish.

5. What do fish learn on their first day of school?

That the end of a fishing hook is the point of no return.

6. How does a school of fish keep up on happenings in the ocean?

They listen to the current news.

7. Why did the old lady make a ton of fish-eye soup?

Because it would see her through the week.

8. Most fish will tell you that they like their food cold…

And their bait a little worm.

9. What does the Loch Ness Monster eat?

Only fish-n-ships.

10. How do you tuna fish?

Adjust their scales.

11.  That fisherman will never make it as a boxer.

All he can throw are hooks.

12. How do you communicate with a fish you haven’t seen in ages?

Drop them a line.

13. What do you call a fish who doesn’t believe in war?

A pacifisht.

14. What did the shark’s friends tell her when she got dumped?

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

15. Have you ever met a shy fish?

They are very koi.

16. Why did the teenage fish get in trouble in class?

Because he was talking on his shell phone.

17. Why did the fish live at the bottom of the ocean?

Because they dropped out of school.

18. Who was the standout musician in the fish band?

The bass player.

19. Why did the chef quit his job at the diner?

Because he had bigger fish to fry.

20. Who was the best employee at the balloon factory?

The blow fish.

21. The fish had a girlfriend, but he lobster.

Then he flounder.

22. Did you hear about the chef in that extremely busy seafood restaurant?

He had a lox on his plate.

23. If you can think of a better fish pun…

Let minnow.

24. Some people don’t like fish puns

But they are kraken me up.

25. Where is a fish in orbit?

Trouter space.

26. Why was the fish given detention?

Because he was being too shellfish.

27. Did you hear about the newlywed shark couple?

They are swimming along nicely.

28. Never date a fisherman.

They will only string you along.

29. That big mouth bass got caught by a fisherman.

Now he is in a real boatload of trouble.

30. Did you hear about the illiterate fisherman?

He was lost at C.

31. I don’t always make fish puns.

But when I do, I do it just for the halibut.

32. Did you try out that new seafood restaurant?

I’m hooked.

33. What do you tell a fish when it’s overreacting?

You need to clam down.

34. What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?

Dam.

35. I’ve been telling too many fish puns.

I think I’ll scale back.

36. My school performed a play about fishing.

It was a huge hit because it had quite an amazing cast.

37. What is written on fish currency?

In cod we trust.

38. What made the octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles.

39. Why is seafood healthy?

It’s really good for the mussels.

40. Why should you never fight an octopus?

They are well armed.

41. What is the most expensive fish?

A goldfish.

42. What are fish that engage in organized crime called?

Lobsters.

43. What is a fish’s favorite television show?

Tuna Half Men.

44. What is a fish’s favorite song?

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you drown.

45. Create your own fish pun.

Don’t leave it to salmon else.

46. When was the fish free?

Any day barramundi.

47. The man stranded on the island discovered something to start catching fish.

It was definitely a net-gain.

48. What did the employee say to his boss?

 Yes, I will dolphinitely have those reports with you by the end of the day.

49. What did the boss say to his employee?

Cod I borrow you for five minutes?

50. This is the best list of puns ever!

Not even squidding! TC mark

Source : https://thoughtcatalog.com/january-nelson/2018/06/fish-puns/

25 Cow Puns That Are Sure To Amoose You

These cow puns will be moo-sic to your ears.

Cow puns aren’t just for farmers. They’re for everyone! At least, everyone with an udderly awesome sense of humor. Reader through these cow puns and then milk them for all they’re worth by sharing them with family and friends. You won’t regret it!

1. Why did the farmer stop telling cow puns?

Because he butchered every joke.

2. What did the cow confess to his therapist?

“I feel seen but not herd.”

3. Why was the cow so afraid of messing up?

Because the steaks were high.

4. Why did the cow start a fight with his buddy?

There was real beef between them!

5. What did the cow say to her misbehaving calf?

I am not amoosed by you.

6. What did the farmer say when his cow wouldn’t produce milk?

This is udderly problematic!

7. Why don’t most cows lie?

They can smell bull.

8. Why are cows always broke?

Someone’s always milking them dry.

9. Why was the farmer mad at his cow?

The excuse she gave was a bunch of bull.

10. What happens when a calf gives her mom attitude?

She tans its hide.

11. How does a cow avoid acting rashly?

She takes stock of the situation first.

12. Why did the farmer always show up on time for dinner?

If he didn’t, his wife would have a cow.

13. How did the bull earn the farmer’s trust?

He said, “Seriously, have I ever steered you wrong?”

14. Why is it so hard to hurt a cow’s feelings?

They’re skin’s as thick as leather.

15. What does the cow do when she’s got leverage?

Milks it for all it’s worth.

16. Why couldn’t the cow gain weight?

She was more of a grazer.

17. What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

18. What do you call the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before?

Deja-moo

19. What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?

It’s pasture bedtime.

20. Why couldn’t the cow learn?

Everything went in one ear and out the udder.

21. What do you call a cow on crystal meth?

Beef jerky.

22. What’s a cow’s best subject in school?

Cow-culus.

23. Where do cows eat lunch?

In the calfeteria.

24. What did the farmer name his funniest cow?

The Laughing Stock.

25. Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

To make beautiful moo-sic. TC mark

Source : https://thoughtcatalog.com/sylvie-quinn/2018/06/cow-puns/

The Most Romantic Love Letters For Him (Because Texts Are Not Enough)

Do not keep your feelings inside. When you care about someone, you should let them know. Express your love instead of keeping it bottled up inside, because even if you assume your person already knows how you feel, it’s always nice to hear the words spoken aloud.

If you are afraid of the words coming out wrong, then you should steal one of these love letters for him. No matter what the occasion, there is a letter that will fit your love story perfectly.

Send these letters on your anniversary…

Love of my life,

I cannot believe another year has passed. It feels like we just met yesterday, but at the same time it feels like I have known you all my life. You make time meaningless. In fact, you make everything else feel meaningless because the only thing that matters is you. You have brought so much light into my life. I would be lost without your torch. Thank you for everything you have done for me — and thank you for helping me grow into the woman I have become.

To my forever person,

I love us. We’re the cutest. I know that sounds braggy, but I mean it when I say that I think we make the perfect couple. We understand each other. We listen to each other. We inspire each other to become stronger with each passing day. Happy anniversary. I cannot wait to spend another year alongside you, because there is no place I would rather be. You’re stuck with me. You better remember that!

Send these letters just because

My dearest (does that sound too corny?)

I wanted to write you a love letter, but it’s going to sound more like a thank you note. Maybe it’s both. I want to thank you for washing the dishes when I forget my dirty ones are still in the sink. I want to thank you for agreeing to watch shitty reality shows with me and letting me pick the songs during car rides even though we have completely different tastes. I want to thank you for all of the hugs you have offered me to squeeze the sadness out and all of the pep talks you have given me when I doubted myself. Most of all, I want to thank you for existing. Thank you for being my partner. Thank you for being my best friend in the world.

Honey,

I don’t want to wait until your birthday or our anniversary to remind you how much you mean to me. Hint: You mean everything. I know I don’t always say how I’m feeling because I have a nasty habit of keeping my heart guarded, but I hope you realize how much I care about you. I never thought it was possible to have this much love for someone, I never thought my heart could handle it. I know there are days when we argue and don’t see eye-to-eye, but you are the only person I would want to have those arguments with. (Besides, the make up sex isn’t half bad).

Send these letters when you are in the mood…

Hot stuff,

You. Me. Our bedroom. Ten o’clock and not a second later. Be there and wear those sexy boxers that make your ass look delicious. Don’t worry, I’ll be wearing something you like as well… Can’t wait to undress you. XOXO

Romeo,

Even after all of this time, I still get butterflies when you smile at me. I still feel light as air when you press your lips against me. Just thinking about you on top of me, trailing kisses across my chest and stomach and thighs, is making me want you. Badly. I hope we can fix that tonight. What do you say?

Send these letters on his birthday…

My handsome man,

I am going to make this the best birthday you have ever had. It’s going to be filled with high-calorie desserts and way-too-expensive alcohol (and sex, so much sex). I cannot wait to make you the happiest man in the world because you have already made me the happiest woman. Now look up from this letter and kiss me!

Honey,

This is my favorite day of the year. Do you know why? Because I could not imagine my world without you inside of it. I am so thankful I met you and I am thankful to your parents for creating such an intelligent, respectful, compassionate man. I hope this day is extra special. You deserve it.

Send these letters when you want to get back together…

Babe,

Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this, maybe this is the worst idea I have ever had, but I cannot get you off of my mind. My friends keep pushing me to get over you, but the thing is that I don’t want to get over you. I don’t want to erase your texts from my phone or your pictures from my camera roll. (No, I still haven’t done those things. Have you?) I know we had our problems, but I believe we can work through them if we both put in the effort. I am willing to do that. I am willing to fight for you. I hope you are willing to do the same.

Beloved,

I never wanted to break up with you. I wanted to move in together, get married, and live happily ever after. I wanted to cook breakfast with you in the mornings and fall asleep on your lap in the evenings. I wanted to see what you looked like with grey hair and see what our kids looked like with your eyes. I had so much more planned for us and I feel like our love story ended prematurely. But maybe we can still do those things. Maybe our story hasn’t officially ended yet.

Send these letters when you’re dating long distance…

To my everything,

I hate being apart from you, but our long distance love gives me something to look forward to each and every day. I keep counting down the moments until I get to feel your arms wrapped around me again, until I get to fall asleep to the sound of your soft breathing, until I get to hear your laugh the second it leaves your lips instead of through the delay of the phone. I love you and I miss you — but the pain of not seeing you is worth it. You are worth it. I would wait a lifetime for you.

My dearest,

Not seeing you has been slowly driving me insane. I cannot wait until the day when we live together. When we will only have to separate for eight hours at a time while we are both away at work. I keep picturing you here, beside me. I keep feeling the phantom touch of your fingers slipping across my skin. I keep hearing the ghost of your voice, teasing me. Sometimes I turn and expect to see you right beside me and am disappointed when reality hits me. I hate being so far away from you. Please visit soon.

Send these letters after you have had a fight…

Darling,

This letter might be the last thing you want to read right now since we just had an argument, but I thought it was the perfect time to say how much I love you. Why? Because I know we are going to get through this. We always do. We are a strong team. We know how to compromise. We know how to remain respectful to each other, even when we are pissed the fuck off. I love that about us. After all, every couple fights, but not every couple handles it as maturely as we do.

Sweetheart,

I’m sorry for hurting you. I never want to be the reason why a single tear falls down that handsome face. I never meant to make you upset. I know you do not even need this apology because you have already forgiven me. You were never the type to hold grudges. But I felt like I needed to say something because I hate that I upset you, even for a moment. I should not have been so cruel to someone so kind. I love you and because I love you, I promise I will grow from this experience.

Send these letters when you have been too busy to text…

My one and only,

We have both been insanely busy lately. We haven’t had much time to sit down and eat together or go on date nights or even climb beneath the covers for some late-night fun. It feels like we only see each other for a brief time each week, but the funny thing is that I don’t feel like we have grown apart at all. I feel like it doesn’t matter whether we spend time apart because our feelings are never going to change. I am never going to love you less. I am never going to want anybody else. I hope you know that. I’m in this for the long haul, honey.

To my soulmate,

I love you. I love you. I love you. I can never say those three words enough and unfortunately I feel like you haven’t heard them at all lately. I’m sorry about that. I’ve been so overwhelmed with work that I haven’t had the time to give you much attention, but that will change soon. You know why? Because I love you. I love you. I love you.

Send these letters when you want to boost his confidence…

My boo,

I haven’t said this in a while but you are the most attractive man I have ever known. I cannot believe you are mine. You make me laugh harder than anyone else. You make me orgasm harder than anyone else. You aren’t perfect, not even close (hah), but you are certainly perfect for me. I wouldn’t change a single thing about you. Not a hair on your head.

Darling dearest,

I tell you how much I love you all the time, but I never really explain why I feel that way, so I’m going to do that now. I love the way your voice sounds when you say my name. I love the way your smile tilts when you’re trying not to laugh. I love the way your kisses feel against my neck. I love the way your voice sounds, even if you hate it. I love the man you were when I met you and I love the man I can see you growing into. I love every version of you. I love every messy piece.

Send these letters when you are feeling silly…

Hey you!

Sometimes you suck. Sometimes you make me want to bang my head against the wall. Sometimes you are so frustrating that I can’t even wrap my head around it. But all of those times I still love you. I will love you every day of my life. I will love you when you’re in a rough mood. I will love you when you are sick and whiny. I will love you even when you are being a pain in my ass because I know you do the same with me.

Cutie pie,

You are lucky you’re cute because you drive me insane. Even when you forget to put your folded laundry into their drawers or leave the kitty litter dirty for days at a time (sound familiar?), I still want to throw you against the wall and have my way with you. Is that weird? Or does that just mean I’m madly in love? Maybe it’s both.

Send these letters when you have been together for a long time…

My partner in crime,

We have been together for such a long time because we make sense together. We bring out the best in each other. After all of these years, we are still as happy as we were in the beginning. In fact, I might even be happier. I think that’s something we should be proud about. I think that’s something to cherish.

To my best friend in the world,

We have been through so much together. You have seen me with mascara running across my face. You have seen me with snot running from my nose. You have seen me screaming out my lungs and laughing until my stomach hurts. I have never been this vulnerable with anyone else. I have never allowed my true self to be seen by any other eyes. You know me better than any family members or friends do. Actually that is inaccurate because you are my family. You are the most important piece of my family. TC mark

Source : https://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2018/06/love-letters-for-him/

30 Egg Puns That Are Hilarious (If You Get The Yolk)

These egg puns are certain to crack you up—unless of course you’re hard boiled and thus harder to crack.

You might not think of eggs as hilarious, but they are! In fact, they’re an egg-cellent source of humor, if you think about it. You just have to educate yourself on the many ways egg puns might entertain you, leaving you egg-static and yearning for yet more egg-samples of egg-centric humor.

1. Why did the new egg feel so good?

Because he just got laid!

2. Why did the egg regret being in an omelet?

It wasn’t all it was cracked up to be!

3. What did the egg say after it was ghosted?

Why the hell are you egg-noring me?

4. What did Snow White name her hen?

Egg White!

5. Why were the eggs running so fast?

They were afraid of being beaten!

6. Why do so many people love a boiled egg for breakfast?

It’s so hard to beat.

7. How did the omelet find out she was ill?

She had a medical eggs-am!

8. What did the egg say after someone bumped into her?

Egg-scuse me!

9. Why did the Easter egg hide?

He was a little chicken!

10. What is an egg’s least favorite day of the week?

Fry-day!

11. What’s the worst crime as far as an egg is concerned?

Poaching!

12. Where can you go to learn more about eggs?

The hen-cyclopedia!

13. What do you call a smart omelet?

An egg head!

14. How can you tell where the Easter Bunny’s been?

Eggs marks the spot!

15. How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape during the off season?

He gets lots of eggs-ercise!

16. Why should you be careful about what you say around egg whites?

Everyone knows they can’t take a yolk.

17. How do you make an egg roll?

Just give it a little push!

18. Did you hear about the hen who laid her egg on an axe?

She wanted to hatchet.

19. How does the Easter Bunny feel after she’s made all her deliveries?

Eggs-hausted!

20. Why did it take the chicken so long to cross the road?

There was no eggs-press lane!

21. What was the motivation egg speaker’s slogan?

Sunny side up!

22. What did the officer say to the egg after he pulled it over for speeding?

Omelettin’ it slide this time.

23. What did the angry egg parent say to her child?

You’re such a rotten egg!

24. How would you describe a baby egg on Christmas morning?

Absolutely egg-static!

25. What did the egg say to the clown?

You crack me up.

26. How does a hen leave it’s house?

Through the eggs-it.

27. How do you know if a chef is mean?

He beats all the eggs.

28. How do monsters like their eggs?

Terri-fried.

29. What sport are eggs best at?

Running.

30. Why did the man steal his eggs?

He liked ’em poached. TC mark

Source : https://thoughtcatalog.com/sylvie-quinn/2018/06/egg-puns/

Man Helps Mom On A Plane Who Got Called A 'Smelly Fatty' By Her Seatmate

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Flying is often a hellishly bad experience. You’re crammed inside a giant flashlight, miles above the Earth, with only very tiny bags of snacks to get your through. You’re also squeezed into seats next to other irate passengers who all have feelings about who should get to use the elbow rest. They think it’s them, and they’re wrong.

It can be especially hard for bigger passengers, because seats are often smaller than what is actually average in this country, because they gotta sell those tickets! It’s cramped. We also live in a fat-phobic and body-shaming culture that gives anyone over a size ten a hard time about their life. It can be anxiety producing. A mother named Savannah Phillips wrote in a recent viral Facebook post that all her fears about her body while flying were brought to life during a horrible interaction on a plane.

But her story also has a happy ending, so stick with it.

She writes:

I am only sharing this story of what happened to me today in hopes that the person who stuck up for me will somehow be recognized…

I’ve been on airplanes for the past three weeks. My flight to Chicago was changed to an earlier flight because of storms, so I didn’t get to pick my seat like a normally do. I always try to sit in a row where I don’t have to sit next to anyone. I’m not the biggest person on the airplane, but I’m not the smallest. My worst nightmare is someone being uncomfortable because they have to sit next to me.

My seat was assigned at the gate, and when we boarded I was sitting next to an older guy who said he was a comedian. He looked like he was in his 60s and had on bright yellow sunglasses. He stood up so I could get into my seat next to the window. As soon as I got buckled, he sat back down. The flight attendant started the safety speech and he got his phone out (with huge font and the screen brightness turned all the way up). His phone was maybe 12 inches from my face and he proceeded to text someone that he was sitting next to “a smelly fatty.”

I don’t even know what the rest of his text said. I turned my head away as fast as I could. I was shocked and it was like confirmation of the negative things I think about myself on a daily basis. Before I knew it, I could feel hot, salty tears coming down my face. I sat and cried silently, hoping this guy didn’t try to make small talk, because I didn’t trust how I would react and I didn’t want to get kicked off the plane. I was so hurt. The pilot came overhead and said there would be a 30 minute delay before he could take off- great. Just more time I would have to sit next to this creep.

We sat on the runway waiting for the OK to take off for about 10 minutes- I sat there unable to stop silently crying. I was scrunching myself up against the wall as far as I could. All of a sudden, someone from behind us taps on the guy’s shoulder and says, “Hey- I need to talk to you.” The guy next to me takes out his headphones. Someone behind us says, “We are switching seats. Now.” The guy next to me said, “OK- why?” 

And I hear someone say (removing curse words), “You are texting about her, and I’m not putting up with that.” A guy comes and sits next to me and is shocked when he sees me crying. He asked if I saw the texts and I nodded yes. He encouraged me not to let that guy get to me and that everything was going to be fine. We talked about Ross and the kids, his two year old son, our jobs, amongst other things.

He said he just happened to see that guy’s text messages he started shaking he was so mad and knew he had to do something. He stopped the flight attendant and told her what he was about to do. I told him thank you for what he did and that it meant the world to me- and that he would be my husband’s new favorite person. The flight attendant kept trying to give him free drinks and told him that he was her hero.

He wasn’t her hero- he was mine. I told him that yesterday at church, one of my favorite people on the planet, Jeff McMillon, talked about how God sees you. Good time, bad times, in a mess- your own fault or not- God sees you. And God saw me today. I told him that he was a blessing sent to me and how thankful I was that he was there.

So- this guy’s name is Chase- he works for Whiskey Row in Nashville. Share this post, look him up- whatever- he did prove to me today that (1) not only does God see me, but (2) there are more good people in the world than bad.

Chase is now getting the recognition Phillips thinks he deserves. 

He  was interviewed for a local news channel and told his side of the story.

Chase says he could see the man’s texts from where he was sitting. At first, he wasn’t sure what to do. He debated kicking the guy’s butt or waiting until landing to say something.

In the end he did neither. He tapped the guy on the shoulder and said they should switch seats. Mistaking the situation, the man thanked him and asked why he was offering.

“Because you’re a heartless person,” Chase responded. “I read your texts. And the girl next to you crying also read your texts. And you should take into consideration other people’s feelings.”

Neither one said what the man did next, but he did switch seats. People were very touched by how the gesture turned Phillips’s experience around, and reminded her not everyone is terrible.

A few folks said they’d experienced similar discrimination on flights:

And at least one person claims to know and love Chase:

It’s a small world, so help our your neighbor when you can. 

Source : https://www.distractify.com/trending/2018/06/13/Z1hCm6j/smelly-fatty-airplane