Hold on tight, spider monkeys.
The Twilight movies — aka the five films adapted from Stephenie Meyer’s ultra-famous vampire romance series — are not exactly meant to be funny.
They’re actually overwrought, dramatic, and suuuuper angsty! (Especially when you watch them 10+ years later.)
There’s so much hokey dialogue! So, in honor of having a good Twilight-related laugh, let’s list some some quotes out, shall we?
1.
“You better hold on tight, spider monkey.”
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OK, so Edward — a vampire — can jump really high and really far. You’d think after more than 100 years of being alive, he’d find a more eloquent / suave way to reveal that information.
2.
“You’re like my own personal brand of heroin.”
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We get it. Bella smells good to Edward. Edward wants to eat (or maybe snort?) Bella. This line is so hokey, though.
3.
“This is the skin of a killer, Bella.”
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His facial expression really drives the ridiculousness home.
4.
“You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?!”
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For context, Jacob / werewolf (Taylor Lautner) imprints on Bella’s baby daughter Renesmee in Breaking Dawn Part 2, he calls her “Nessie” for short.
5.
“Bella! Where the hell have you been, loca?”
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This New Moon greeting lives rent-free in my head in the worst possible way.
6.
“I guess the wolf’s out of the bag.”
7.
“Stop trying to take your clothes off. It might be too late for my soul, but I will protect yours.”
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How dare your long-term girlfriend try to sleep with you! The horror! Lol.
8.
“Aren’t people from Arizona supposed to be like, really tan?”
9.
“Doesn’t he own a shirt?”
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No, he doesn’t, probably because Jacob’s clothes get torn up every time he transforms into a werewolf.
10.
“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…”
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Edward. Again: you’ve been alive for over a century. I know you’ve got a better analogy in you.
11.
“Say it. Out loud. SAY IT.”
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I wouldn’t be scared either, TBH.
12.
[Bella, about Edward] “About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him — and I didn’t know how dominant that part may be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”
13.
“Every second that I’m with you is about restraint… and you’re too fragile.”
14.
“I’m exactly right for you Bella. It would be as easy as breathing with me.”
15.
“You know, Jacob, if we weren’t natural enemies, and you weren’t trying to steal my reason for existing, I might actually like you.”
16.
“You’re wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you and you think it’s a joke.”
17.
[Jasper, voting to change Bella into a vampire]: “I vote yes. It would be nice not to want to kill you all the time.”
18.
“You can’t trust vampires… Trust me.”
19.
[Bella, after turning into a vampire]: “I can see what everyone’s been talking about. Jake, you really do stink.”
20.
[Edward, to a newly turned Bella]: “We’re the same temperature now.”
21.
Alice: “The fetus isn’t good for Bella!”
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OK, I get that the Cullen fam is debating whether or not Bella should stay pregnant with a half-vampire baby, but… out of context, this “fetus” line is pretty hilarious.
22.
“So, this party. Will there be strippers?”
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Edward: “Just a few mountain lions, a couple grizzly bears.”
23.
Charlie Swan: “Edward will be a good husband. I know this because I’m a cop. I know things. Like how to hunt somebody to the ends of the earth. And I know how to use a gun.”
24.
Jessica: “So, you think Bella’s gonna be showing?” Angela: “Jess, she is not pregnant!” Jessica: “Okay. Who else gets married at 18??”
25.
“Bella, I hope you’ve gotten enough sleep these last 18 years. Because you won’t be getting anymore for a while!”
Did we forget any? What are your favorite funny quotes from the Twilight movies?
Source: https://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelbrodsky/twilight-movies-funniest-quotes