Read These 50 Star Wars Puns, You Must

There’s no chance you’ll turn to the dark side when you are busy laughing at these Star Wars puns.

You are obsessed with Star Wars. You have seen every film at least twice. You can recite every word of every scene. But have you ever heard these brilliantly silly Star Wars puns before?

1. Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi.

2. Which website did Chewbacca get arrested for creating?

Wookieleaks.

3. Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road?

To get to the Dark Side.

4. Is BB hungry?

No, BB8.

5. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Xmas?

He felt his presents.

6. Why did Kylo Ren chase Rey through the forest?

He probably just wanted a girlfriend. After all, he’d Ben Solo for so long.

7. How does Wicket get around Endor?

Ewoks.

8. What do you call a pirate droid?

Arrgghh-2-D2.

9. What do Gungans put things in?

Jar Jars.

10. What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair?

Chocolate Chip Wookiee.

11. Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns?

So it doesn’t Hang Solow.

12. How do you unlock doors on Kashyyyk?

With a woo-key.

13. Which Star Wars character works at a restaurant?

Darth Waiter.

14. What’s a baseball player’s least favorite Star Wars movie?

The Umpire Strikes Back.

15. Why did Anakin change his nickname to Skywalker?

He couldn’t stand the old one Ani longer.

16. What do you call an invisible droid?

C-through-PO.

17. Which Jedi became a rock star?

Bon Jovi-Wan Kenobi.

18. What did Obi Wan tell Luke when he had trouble eating Chinese food?

Use the forks, Luke.

19. Why is Yoda such a good gardener?

Because he has a green thumb.

20. What did Obi-Wan say at the rodeo?

Use the horse, Luke!

21. What’s the most popular Star Wars movie in Italy?

The Phantom Venice.

22. How do Ewoks communicate over long distances?

With Ewokie Talkies.

23. What do you call a bird of prey with a thousand lives?

A millennium falcon!

24. What do you get if you mix a bounty hunter with a tropical fruit?

Mango Fett!

25. Why was the droid angry?

People kept pushing its buttons.

26. What is Jabba the Hutt’s middle name?

“The.”

27. What kind of car takes you to a jedi?

A toyoda. 

28. What do you call 5 Siths piled on top of a lightsaber?

A Sith-Kabob.

29. Why is Luke Skywalker always invited on picnics?

He always has the forks with him.

30. What do you call an evil procrastinator?

Darth Later.

31. Why is The Force like duct tape?

It has a light side, a dark side, and it binds the galaxy together.

32. What do you call a Jedi who’s in denial?

Obi-Wan Cannot Be.

33. Why is a droid mechanic never lonely?

Because he’s always making new friends.

34. What would you call Padme if she was a dog?

Petme Imadoggie.

35. Why do doctors make the best Jedi?

Because a Jedi must have patience.

36. Why can’t you count on Yoda to pick up the tab?

Because he’s always a little short.

37. Which Star Wars character travels around the world?

Globi-wan Kenobi.

38. What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed?

Han So-high.

39. What do you call a potato that has turned to the Dark side?

Darth Tater.

40. Where does Jabba the Hutt eat?

Pizza Hutt.

41. Where did Luke get his bionic hand?

The second hand store.

42. When did Anakin’s Jedi masters know he was leaning towards the dark side?

In the Sith Grade.

43. What is a Jedi’s favorite toy?

A yo-yoda.

44. Where do Sith shop?

The Maul. Everything is half off.

45. What’s the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Lukewarm.

46. What do you call a Sith who won’t fight?

A Sithy.

47. How do Tusken’s cheat on their taxes?

They always single file, to hide their numbers.

48. What do storm troopers eat?

Wookie steak, but it’s a little Chewy.

49. Why did movies 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

50. If you date someone who doesn’t like Star Wars puns…

Then you’re looking for love in Alderaan places. TC mark

Source : https://thoughtcatalog.com/january-nelson/2018/06/star-wars-puns/

26 People Who Had One Job and Failed Miserably

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Like most people, you’ve probably struggled with feeling like an occasional failure at work. Everyone makes mistakes and setbacks are inevitable, but still, it can be hard not to dwell on our own blunders. (S/O to everyone who’s woken up in a cold sweat at 3 A.M. thinking of the time you accidentally replied all.)

The next time you find yourself feeling this way, just think of these folks who failed at their jobs so hard you’ll wonder how they got that far in the first place:

1

This maze designer.

2

Whoever frankensteined this supposed map of the Americas.

3

The owner of this novelty twitter account.

4

The writer of this candy menu.

5

Whoever who set up this window display.

6

The person in charge of updating this breaking news banner.

7

The maker of this trophy, who thought they were just following instructions.

8

The person who decided to use a color-coded map for this greyscale publication.

9

The person who designed this yearbook.

10

Whoever stocked these shelves.

11

This designer, who decided to add braille to a flat sign.

12

The person who painted this road sign.

13

Whoever was in charge of translating this label.

14

The person who installed this shower shelf.

15

The designer of this instruction card.

16

Whoever was in charge of this o.j. carton’s assembly line.

17

This calendar designer, who decided to make February even shorter by skipping the 22nd.

18

The brilliant person who installed this lock.

19

The person who mistakenly printed this sudoku solution instead of the puzzle.

20

The McDonald’s employee who assembled this sandwich.

21

The cake decorator who glossed over this form.

22

This mail person, who paid no heed to instructions.

23

Whoever was tasked with placing this sign.

24

The person who took this “before” photo.

25

Whoever was responsible for printing these tags.

26

Last but not least, the person who installed this bewildering trash/recycling bin.

Source : https://www.distractify.com/humor/2018/06/14/mMqD3/26-people-who-had-one-job-and-failed-miserably

50+ Halloween Puns That Will Make You Laugh Until You’re Coffin

Halloween puns are the best kind of scary puns. They will boo-st your enjoyment of the spookiest time of year. Add your own Halloween puns in the comments!

What is a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?

The trom-bone.

Why was the vampire interested in the New York Times?

He heard it had great circulation.

Why wouldn’t the skeleton go in the haunted house?

He had no guts.

Why did the ghost go to the bar?

To get some boos.

Why did the horseman from Sleepy Hollow go to business school?

He wanted to get a head in life.

Why are all mummies workaholics?

They’re afraid to unwind.

What do you say when you’re having dinner with a skeleton?

Bone appetit!

What happens when a ghost blows its nose?

He looks at the boo-gers.

Why won’t vampires prey on snowmen?

They’ll get frostbite.

Why don’t ghouls like lentils?

They prefer human beans.

Why was the skeleton lonely?

He had no body.

Why do vampires use mouthwash?

They have bat breath.

How do vampires sail?

On blood vessels.

Did you hear about the vampire who lost his home?

It was a grave problem.

How do skeleton’s travel in an emergency?

In a skele-copter.

Why do ghouls love to hang out with demons?

Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

Did you hear about the guy who was bitten by a vampire?

It was a pain in the neck.

Why don’t witches ride their brooms when they’re angry?

They don’t want to fly off the handle.

What do you call a skeleton who refuses to help you clean?

Lazy bones.

Who did Dracula take to the school dance?

His ghoul friend.

What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?

Boo boos.

Why are skeletons always so calm?

Nothing gets under their skin.

Why should you always trust a mummy with your secrets?

They can keep anything under wraps.

How did the great pumpkin fix his jeans?

With a pumpkin patch.

Why are skeleton’s so bad at church music?

They can’t play the organ.

Did you hear about the vampire who had to go to the doctor?

He was coffin.

What do you call a stupid skeleton?

A bonehead.

Why does every cemetery have a fence?

People are dying to get in.

What do skeleton’s drink their tea in?

Bone china.

Where do Russians send bad ghosts?

Do the ghoulag.

Why was the skeleton so into ceramics class?

He loved making skullptures.

Why are ghosts so happy when they’re in an elevator?

It lifts their spirits.

What do skeleton’s use to text?

A Cell-bone.

Where do ghosts go on vacation?

Mali-boo.

What did the ghost bring his ghost girlfriend?

A booquet.

Why couldn’t the skeleton watch horror movies?

He didn’t have the stomach.

Where did the mommy ghost take the baby ghost?

To the dayscare center.

What is zombie Shakespeare’s favorite play?

Romeo and Ghouliet.

What do you call a haunted chicken?

A poultry-geist.

Why do skeleton’s make such good comedians?

They have so many funny bones.

Why wasn’t there any food left at the Halloween party?

Everyone was goblin.

Did you hear about the skeleton who could always tell when it was going to rain?

He could feel it in his bones.

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?

Squash.

What kind of wine do skeletons like?

Anything with a full body.

What should you eat at a baseball game on Halloween?

A frankenfurter.

What do little ghouls and boys study in algegra?

Pumpkin-pi.

How does a member of a coven know what time it is?

They look at their witch-watch.

Who do skeleton’s learn about in history class?

Napoleon Bone-a-part.

What do vegan zombies eat?

GRAAAAAAAAAINS.

What is the skeleton’s funniest bone?

Its humerus.

What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?

Spare ribs. TC mark

Source : https://thoughtcatalog.com/erin-cossetta/2018/06/halloween-puns/

50 Hilarious Bird Puns That Will Have You Quacking Up

These bird puns are a real hoot!

You see them every time you glance at the afternoon sky. You hear them every morning when they chirp from their branches. But have you ever really thought about how beautiful birds are and how lucky we are to witness their magic every single day?

They are graceful, they are colorful, and they are melodic. Not to mention, they have inspired some hilarious jokes. Here are some bird puns that are going to ruffle your feathers.

1.  When should you buy a bird?

When it’s going cheep!

2. Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?

He wanted to make a long distance caw.

3. How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

With its sparrowchute.

4. Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.

5. How do crows stick together in a flock?

Velcrow.

6. What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon.

7. What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!

8. What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?

Owlgebra.

9. What do you call a very rude bird?

A mockingbird!

10. Why couldn’t anyone see the bird?

Because it was in da skies!

11. What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?

Jail-birds!

12. How did the bird break into the house?

With a crow bar.

13. What language do geese speak?

Porchageese.

14. What kind of bird runs the church?

A cardinal!

15. Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant?

Because he had a very big bill.

16. What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?

Cherpies.

17. What does a bird like in his soup?

Crowtons.

18. What bird movie won an Oscar?

Lord of the Wings.

19. What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?

A firequaker!

20. What is a parrot’s favorite game?

Hide and Speak!

21. What do you call a bird that kicks your butt?

Steven Seagull.

22. Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

Because they kept saying “bach bach”!

23. What kind of bird doesn’t need a comb?

A bald eagle.

24. Where does bird royalty live?

Duckingham Palace.

25. What kind of bird can carry the most weight?

The crane.

26. What books did the owl like?

Hoot-dunits!

27. What robs you while you’re in the bathtub?

A robber ducky.

28. What bird can you buy at the grocery store?

A kiwi.

29. What bird is helpful at dinner?

A swallow!

30. What’s another name for a clever duck?

A wise quacker!

31. Which bird is always out of breath?

A puffin!

32. What soap do birds use?

Dove.

33. Where do birds invest their money?

In the stork market!

34. What did the Eagle say when he was cold?

Birrrrrd.

35. What do you call a duck on drugs?

A quackhead.

36. Which birds steal soap from the bath?

Robber ducks!

37. How many cans does it take to make a bird?

Two cans.

38. What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?

Fowl play!

39. What do you call a sick eagle?

Illegal

40. What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?

Tweetie Pie!

41. What birds spend all their time on their knees?

Birds of prey!

42. What does duck eat with his soup?

Quackers.

43. What do you get when you cross a bird with a comedian?

Jay Leno.

44. What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.

45. How do chickens get strong?

Egg-cersize.

46. Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don’t know the words.

47. What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.

48. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls!

49. What do you call a chicken in the 1960’s?

A funky chicken.

50. What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle. TC mark

Source : https://thoughtcatalog.com/january-nelson/2018/06/bird-puns/

This Guy Got Asked Out On A Date By A Wrong Number And It Escalated Quickly

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There is a certain kind of guy who will immediately text the woman he is interested in a dick pic, and you can usually identify him because he opens the conversation with *creepy asterisks*

If you’ve never seen or encountered this style of text, it’s sort of like role playing. The speaker says everything they’re doing in asterisks, and they type out a lot of stuttering. It’s believed to have carried over from anime films, where stuttering is supposed to denote shyness or chivalry—but it basically never translates. It’s a huge red flag.

This is the story of a creepy asterisk guy named Brandon, who started one of these exact conversations with the girl he was crushing on. Except it was a wrong number. He was actually texting with a guy, Reddit user Th3GreenMan56. Thankfully, Th3GreenMan56 shared the whole conversation with us. And if you feel sorry for Brandon, remember he sent a dick pic.

You can see below that Brandon tries to be cute, but also refuses to believe he isn’t texting his fantasy girl, and also that she’d be thrilled to know what’s in his pants. Even if he wasn’t actually texting Th3GreenMan56, he’d be wrong!

Yes.

Everyone’s favorite part of this conversation is Brandon’s weird sad no at the end.

Captain_Jaxen wrote, “The ‘no’ actually made me laugh quite a bit, like how much denial can you even have?”

Flamingo_of_lies said, “I love the denial sprinkled through the post the masses of excuses that must have ran through his head and when eventually faced with having to accept all his mistakes all he can force is a single meek broken ‘no.'”

Then there’s this chain:

There were also a lot of questions about dick pics. Look, it’s 2018, I don’t know if we still need to keep discussing the psychology of the unsolicited dick pic. Clearly, the people who send them without asking do not care at all that the receivers don’t want them.

But folks still have questions!

“Could someone explain where this idea of showing your dick is somehow supposed to get you girls? You wouldn’t do it in real life so why pretend to be doing it all?” asked thelaughingmansghost, eventually editing to add,”Please stop replying to this comment, I’ve gotten more than enough answers.”

Here are a few of them:

Though some said they’d never understand it, even though they have a dick.

It’s too bad that our mustachioed hero had to deal with this unsolicited dick pic, but he was really taking one for the team.

Thank you to him, and also to Shannon, who did some quick thinking when she gave Brandon the wrong number. That’s a friend.

Love when girls support other girls!

But also, if you won’t ask someone for their number directly, you don’t deserve it.

Source : https://www.distractify.com/trending/2018/06/14/1f0JUt/wrong-number-date

Band Sparks Debate On Gender Pay Gap In Music Industry After Firing Their Manager

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The gender pay gap in the music industry is very, very real – even today. In some instances the bonus disparity between male and female executives is a whopping 49%.

A recent law in the UK stipulates that companies with more than 250 employees are required to reveal gender and wage gap data between all of its workers, and there have been some troubling findings as a result. It confirms the wage gap still exists, despite some companies faring better than others. (Sony Music UK, for example, shared a less than 5% wage gap).

Transparency is the first step in identifying which industries need to address the gaps in pay between genders, which is why many industries with murky and hush-hush compensation policies are so difficult to handle. Like music festivals.

Prices between bands and festival managers are usually negotiated on a per-event basis, which makes the lack of consistency difficult to peg down an exact date. There’s travel time to account for, how “out of the way” a festival performance might be for a band already on tour, and, of course, perceived ticket sale value of the act. 

This inevitably leads to “unknown” bands being paid less than headlining acts, and at some festivals, nothing at all, for the chance to share a stage with a band that has a huge following. Which is a problematic payment structure to say the least, and could deter many burgeoning new acts who often lose money for a chance to pursue their art. Combine that with the staggering gender-wage gap issues in the music industry, and for artists in general, and it’s not difficult to imagine new, female musical acts losing out on a lot of potential earnings.

The payment structure of music festivals and the wage gender gap became a hotly contested issue on social media when HAIM revealed they fired their booking manager after learning they received 1/10th the amount of a male act at the same festival.

In an interview with Italian magazine, Grazia, Danielle Haim, one of the three sisters who makes up the quartet revealed a familiar struggle that many up-and-coming musicians face when playing festivals with well-known headlining acts:

“We had been told that our fee was very low because you played at the festival in the hope you’d get played on the radio.”

“We didn’t think twice about it, but we later found out that someone was getting paid 10 times more than us. And because of that we fired our agent.”

HAIM didn’t reveal the name of the music festival, nor the headlining act that they said they received less money than, but many believe that the act in question was Muse.

Festivals typically compensate bands with larger followings and a record of consistently high-volume ticket sales more money – even if the acts haven’t put out new music in a while.

And in the case of Australia’s Soundwave Music Festival, even if staggering appearance fees result in the festival becoming unprofitable, too.

The Smashing Pumpkins were set to receive $1.27 million for four shows played at the 2015 Soundwave Festival in Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney, and Adelaide. Soundgarden was slated to make $2.1 million, Slipknot, $1.65 million and Faith No More: $750,000.

Established bands’ fan demographics tend to skew towards older crowds. Older fans tend to have more stable, secure forms of income and can afford higher ticket prices, and bands that once ruled the era of CDs are used to bigger profits and are living comfortably so it’s going to take them more money to get off the couch and perform. All of the aforementioned bands do share something in common, too: they’re predominantly male acts. When it comes to artist inclusion in the recording studio, there’s also a notable gender disparity as well.

This study analyzed 600 chart-topping hits from 2012-2017. 22% of the songs were performed by female artists, 12% of them were written by women and a dismal 2% were produced by women. The music business beast, from all accounts, is heavily dominated by men.

When it came to the comments regarding HAIM’s festival fees, many of the comments centered on whether or not the band should’ve expected to be paid as much as Muse.

Some claimed that HAIM firing their agent without revealing the name of the band they were getting paid less than doesn’t mean they were earning less because they were female, but because the other band may have been considered a “bigger” draw.

Others are saying that HAIM firing their manager for being paid less at a festival isn’t a “gender issue at all” and more of a question on which band will bring in crowds.

Some argued that HAIM’s demand for fairer pay is less about the economics of music festivals, and more about equality for hard working artists.

Forbes top paid artists of 2017 only includes two women: Beyonce and Adele. Breakout female rapper, Cardi B revealed that she was paid $70,000 a day to perform at Coachella. Beyonce’s Coachella performance earned her an estimated $3-4 million – about 43 times the amount than the Bronx-repping lyricist and this was after Cardi B. broke a staggering billboard record held by Beyonce.

HAIM, formed in 2007 was nominated for a “Best New Artist” distinction in 2015 and had two top ten billboard albums with “Days are Gone” and “Something to tell you” in 2013 and 2017 respectively. The band has sold some 330,000 albums worldwide (accounting for CD sales, digital downloads). As of this writing, HAIM accounts for 1,806,293 monthly listeners and their top 10 most popular tracks were played a collective 245,293,775 times.

Muse, formed in 1994, has 4 Grammy nominations and 2 wins for Best Rock Album for their 2016 Drones and The Resistance. They’ve sold over 20 million records and have been featured in major studio film soundtracks, most notably the Twilight films. They currently account for 6,452,400 monthly listeners on Spotify and their top 10 tracks were streamed 812,750,854 times. They also are the first band to sell-out the newly renovated Wembley Stadium, which has a 90,000 seating capacity.

HAIM will share the stage with Muse at the end of June at Rock in Rio festival.

Source : https://www.distractify.com/trending/2018/06/14/Z675Wo/haim-fires-manager

50 Bear Puns That Are UnBEARably Hilarious

Just wait until you get your paws on these bear puns!

If you saw a bear in the wild, it would be nothing to laugh about. But since you are in the safety of your home, these bear puns are going to tickle your funny  bone. You’re going to be laughing so hard you won’t be able to BEAR it.

If you want to put yourself in a better mood, here are the best bear puns that will drive you wild:

1. What do you call a bear without any teeth?

A gummy bear.

2. What would bears be without bees?

Ears.

3. What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?

I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.

4. What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?

A molar bear.

5. How can a bear catch fish without a pole?

They use their bear hands.

6. What is a bear’s favorite soda?

Coca Koala.

7. Why do pandas love watching classic movies?

Because they are in black and white.

8. Why did God create Yogi bear?

Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.

9. What happens when a bear is in the rain for too long?

He becomes a drizzly bear.

10. Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?

Because they live on ice only.

11. What is a bear’s favorite dessert?

Blue beary pie.

12. How do you apologize to a koala?

Bear your heart and soul to them.

13. Why don’t bears eat fast food?

Because it’s hard for them to catch.

14. Why did the koala get fired from his job?

Because he would only do the bear minimum.

15. What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?

He was told he was not koala-fied.

16. Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?

He was already stuffed.

17. Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?

They were polar opposites.

18. Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?

It was panda-monium.

19. How did the grizzly walk in the snow?

Bear footed.

20. Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?

Because he never lost his bearings.

21. Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?

Yoga Bear.

22. What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?

Brrrrrittos.

23. How does a bear stop a movie?

They hit the paws button.

24. What do grizzlies use in the shower?

Bear conditioner.

25. Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?

I call them bite-mares.

26. Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?

Seal.

27. What is a koala’s favorite exercise?

Bearobics.

28. How does a bear get from one place to another?

On a bear-o-plane.

29. What do you call a polar bear in Florida?

A solar bear.

30. What is a polar bear’s favorite food?

Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.

31. What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?

Ice Crispies.

32. What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?

About 1,000 miles.

33. Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?

To the snow-ball.

34. Where do polar bears keep their money?

In a snow bank.

35. What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?

The bearer of bad news.

36. Why did the bear quit his second job?

Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.

37. What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?

Peter Panda.

38. What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?

Bipolar.

39. Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?

Because he couldn’t bear it!

40. Why was the little bear so spoiled?

Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!

41. What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?

A teddy boar.

42. What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?

Winnie the PU!

43. What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?

A Furrari.

44. What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?

Hunny.

45. What does pooh eat at parties?

Blue bear-y pie.

46. Why did the bear dissolve in water?

It was polar.

47. How do you stop a bear from charging?

Take away its credit cards.

48. Why do polar bears wear fur coats?

Because they would look weird in ski jackets.

49. What do you call a freezing bear?

A brrrrrrr.

50. I’ll think of another pun soon…

Just bear with me. TC mark

Source : https://thoughtcatalog.com/january-nelson/2018/06/bear-puns/

75+ Cheese Puns That Will Give You A Gouda Laugh

Cheese puns are the best kind of humor for a cheese-lover. These cheese puns are very gouda and totally not cheesey!

What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?

Fondue-due.

What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?

“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”

What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?

“I’m mature for my age.”

What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?

“You make me melt.”

What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?

“I dis a brie.”

Cheese Puns

What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?

“You gouda brie kidding!”

What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?

The curdles.

What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?

“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”

What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?

R n’ Brie.

Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?

His pick-up line was too cheesey.

Cheese Puns

How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?

They tell you they are pretty fondue you.

What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?

Halloumi.

What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?

Morbier.

What kind of cheese to beavers eat?

Edam.

What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?

Epistemology and fetaphysics.

What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?

Build a roquefort.

What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?

Forever provolone.

How did the cheese professor start class every day?

Oh queso…

What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?

Nacho Man.

How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?

“I think you and I would look gouda together.”

Cheese Puns

What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?

Looking sharp!

What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?

To brie or not to brie.

What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?

“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”

What is a lion’s favorite cheese?

Roarquefort.

What cheese is made backwards?

Edam.

What cheese cries the most?

Babybel.

Why did the cheese get in trouble?

It was up to no gouda.

Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?

It’s a hole business strategy.

What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?

Make America grate again.

Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?

Someone always cuts the cheese.

Cheese Puns

What do you call a socialite made of cheese?

Paris Stilton.

What kind of cheese makes the best music?

Brieoncé.

Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?

The feta business bureau.

How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?

Caerphilly.

Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?

It was only mild.

What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?

A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.

What do they say when you leave the cheese store?

Have a gouda day!

Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?

In queso emergency.

Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?

It was too gouda to be true.

What do you call referential cheese?

Feta.

Cheese Puns

What did the commedian say after after a bad set?

That crowd was laughtose intolerant.

What kind of cheese protects a castle?

Moat-zarella.

How do you get a mouse to smile?

Say cheese.

Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?

He had grater plans.

Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?

It got provolonely.

What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?

“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”

What drives cheese crazy?

That everyone around them is crackers.

How can you tell when a cheese is depressed?

They get kinda blue.

Who were the first cheese lovers ever?

Edam and Eve.

How did the cheese get such curly hair?

It got a permasan.

Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?

How dairy.

What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?

Limb-burger.

What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?

The Stilton.

What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?

Livarot.

Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?

He was scared there was a munster under the bed.

What were the cheese’s wedding vows?

To havarti and to hold.

What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?

He cantal.

Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?

He was tired of the daily rind.

Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?

All that’s left is da brie.

What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?

Cheese sticks.

What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?

Mozart-arella.

What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?

Feta wap.

What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?

You cheddar few pounds.

Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?

It’s hole-y.

What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?

Ched-arrrrgh!

Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?

His wife gave him a restraining order.

What do you call a flying cheese?

A curd of prey.

What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?

Cheez it.

Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?

In queso emergency.

What do you call cheese who attends art openings?

Cultured.

What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?

Ricotta get through this.

How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?

Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.

Why do cheeses make bad musicians?

They’re always sharp.

What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?

Brie mine.

Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?

The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.

What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?

You’re cheddar off without him! TC mark

Source : https://thoughtcatalog.com/erin-cossetta/2018/06/cheese-puns/

Surrogate Mother Suing Bravo For Filming Birth Of Reality Star's Child Without Her Consent

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I witnessed my wife give birth to our two children and they were beautifully traumatic and surreal experiences each time.

As emotional as I was, I can’t even begin to imagine what the experience was like for my wife. Which is why I totally get how a curt nurse’s borderline rude comments upset my wife so much while she was in labor – she was dealing with a heck of a lot.

Audible sighing from a healthcare professional whenever you have a question and being told to “sit back and relax” after being in labor for hours is bad, but there are some labor/delivery horror stories that are way, way worse.

Like having your delivery recorded against your will and broadcast on cable TV for the entire world to see.

Which is exactly what Alexandra Trent, the surrogate for Flipping Out star Jeff Lewis and his partner Gage Edward, allegedly had to endure when she delivered their child in 2016. The moment was first shown on TV in August of 2017.

Trent sued the Bravo network for taking and airing footage of her genitalia without her permission. Her lawsuit also mentions “disgusting” comments made by Lewis and Edward regarding her body.

Namely that the couple allegedly made humiliating jokes about Trent’s pubic hair, as well as the size of her genitals.

“If I was a surrogate, and I had known there was going to be an audience, I probably would have waxed. And that was the shocking part for Gage. I don’t think Gage had ever seen a vagina, let alone one that big.”

Lewis even responded to the news on Twitter with a joke of his own.

Some people defended Lewis’ actions, saying that Trent basically should’ve know what she was in for when she agreed to carry his child.

But there were also a ton of people who weren’t exactly cool with the idea of Lewis belittling the mother of his child on national television.

Some commenters just feel bad about the baby’s birth being reduced to a lawsuit and jokes about Trent’s pubic hair.

Lewis and Edward released a classified ad in 2015 requesting a surrogate. Trent responded to the ad and after discovering that they wanted the pregnancy filmed for a show, she insisted that the delivery not be filmed.

Trent only agreed to ultrasound appointments being filmed, however, on the day of delivery, Bravo allegedly reneged on their agreement with Trent. Variety writes:

“According to the suit, the producers agreed to that condition, but then filmed it surreptitiously from behind a curtain. Neither she nor her doctor were aware that the cameras were rolling as the baby was born. She can be heard on the show screaming in pain, and according to the suit her blurred-out [genitalia] is shown on screen.”

Trent’s lawsuit states that Bravo ruined her reputation in an attempt to garner ratings:

“In their quest for ratings, Defendants have deeply damaged Trent and have caused incredible anguish, self-loathing, contempt and depression.”

Trent is reportedly seeking damages for “unlawful recording, invasion of privacy and fraud,” and she’s reportedly canceled another surrogacy commitment after learning of the clips at a networking event and seeing them online.

The lawsuit also states that Trent asked Bravo to remove the clips from online (unsuccessfully).

Bravo has yet to respond.

Source : https://www.distractify.com/trending/2018/06/13/uBVGD/surrogate-mother-bravo-suit

50 Fish Puns That Will Have You Drowning In Laughter

You could search through land and sea, but you are never going to find anything funnier than these fish puns.

Maybe you have a fish tank in your home. Maybe you go fishing every summer. Or maybe the closest you have come to swimming through the ocean was when you played Go Fish as a child.

No matter what your relationship to those undersea critters is, here are the best fish puns that will leave you gasping for breath.

1. Why did the fish get bad grades?

Because it was below sea level.

2. Where do sick fish go?

To see a sturgeon.

3. Why wouldn’t the little girl eat her sushi?

Because she thought it looked too fishy.

4. What are fish that act in movies called?

Starfish.

5. What do fish learn on their first day of school?

That the end of a fishing hook is the point of no return.

6. How does a school of fish keep up on happenings in the ocean?

They listen to the current news.

7. Why did the old lady make a ton of fish-eye soup?

Because it would see her through the week.

8. Most fish will tell you that they like their food cold…

And their bait a little worm.

9. What does the Loch Ness Monster eat?

Only fish-n-ships.

10. How do you tuna fish?

Adjust their scales.

11.  That fisherman will never make it as a boxer.

All he can throw are hooks.

12. How do you communicate with a fish you haven’t seen in ages?

Drop them a line.

13. What do you call a fish who doesn’t believe in war?

A pacifisht.

14. What did the shark’s friends tell her when she got dumped?

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

15. Have you ever met a shy fish?

They are very koi.

16. Why did the teenage fish get in trouble in class?

Because he was talking on his shell phone.

17. Why did the fish live at the bottom of the ocean?

Because they dropped out of school.

18. Who was the standout musician in the fish band?

The bass player.

19. Why did the chef quit his job at the diner?

Because he had bigger fish to fry.

20. Who was the best employee at the balloon factory?

The blow fish.

21. The fish had a girlfriend, but he lobster.

Then he flounder.

22. Did you hear about the chef in that extremely busy seafood restaurant?

He had a lox on his plate.

23. If you can think of a better fish pun…

Let minnow.

24. Some people don’t like fish puns

But they are kraken me up.

25. Where is a fish in orbit?

Trouter space.

26. Why was the fish given detention?

Because he was being too shellfish.

27. Did you hear about the newlywed shark couple?

They are swimming along nicely.

28. Never date a fisherman.

They will only string you along.

29. That big mouth bass got caught by a fisherman.

Now he is in a real boatload of trouble.

30. Did you hear about the illiterate fisherman?

He was lost at C.

31. I don’t always make fish puns.

But when I do, I do it just for the halibut.

32. Did you try out that new seafood restaurant?

I’m hooked.

33. What do you tell a fish when it’s overreacting?

You need to clam down.

34. What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?

Dam.

35. I’ve been telling too many fish puns.

I think I’ll scale back.

36. My school performed a play about fishing.

It was a huge hit because it had quite an amazing cast.

37. What is written on fish currency?

In cod we trust.

38. What made the octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles.

39. Why is seafood healthy?

It’s really good for the mussels.

40. Why should you never fight an octopus?

They are well armed.

41. What is the most expensive fish?

A goldfish.

42. What are fish that engage in organized crime called?

Lobsters.

43. What is a fish’s favorite television show?

Tuna Half Men.

44. What is a fish’s favorite song?

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you drown.

45. Create your own fish pun.

Don’t leave it to salmon else.

46. When was the fish free?

Any day barramundi.

47. The man stranded on the island discovered something to start catching fish.

It was definitely a net-gain.

48. What did the employee say to his boss?

 Yes, I will dolphinitely have those reports with you by the end of the day.

49. What did the boss say to his employee?

Cod I borrow you for five minutes?

50. This is the best list of puns ever!

Not even squidding! TC mark

Source : https://thoughtcatalog.com/january-nelson/2018/06/fish-puns/