In the interest of fitting into the clothes I want, I’ve sworn off pretty much all bread, rice, cakes, sugar, and starches. Which is a problem for me because I grew up Eastern European from a peasant family.

And if there’s one thing peasants are good at making – it’s bread. I remember when my mother and grandma would slide those fluffy, golden brown oval loaves from the oven and tear it open to reveal the flaky, white carbohydrate holocaust only to slather it with butter.

Witnessing that was probably one of my favorite things in the world, to this day, and I’m married now and have witnessed the birth of two of my children. I’m not saying it’s as profound, but it’s up there.

Now I’m doing my best to subsist on proteins and fats for the most part (boo) that means my plates at gatherings and family dinners look a lot different than everyone else’s – the most glaring omission being those sweet little rolls that made up a huge part of my caloric intake for so many years.

I mean, they are called, “rolls”, right? That’s what most people call them?

Wait, there are people out there who call them “breadcake”?

Even weirder is that there are people who will refer to them as muffins?

I don’t care what it says on the packaging, these are not muffins. Muffins are decked out with chocolate chips, or pieces of fruit, and are in no way shape or form healthy, yes, even the multigrain ones are terrible for you.

Plus, if these are muffins, where are the tops?! Everyone knows you only eat the tops of muffins!

What do you call these little pieces of side bread? They can’t be hamburger buns, unless you’re making sliders, and even then, technically, you know you’re not using a hamburger bun, right?

Some people call them, baps? What?!

I want to pretend to know what a bap is, because I kind of like that word, but I’ve never once heard it called that in my life.

Roll is acceptable. As is bun, heck I’ll even take bap at this point but there’s no way this is a biscuit.

Because it’s clearly not one of these amazing pieces of golden, crusty flakiness.

Some people accept that the name of these little pieces of baked yeast are contingent upon your location. Which is a perfectly suitable explanation, I mean, different regions do have their different lingo.

But come on, we all know everyone else is wrong. This thing is a roll. It’s a dinner roll. You get bread with your rolls. Stop trying to call it something else.

You’ve got some people who are coming into the discussion with their technically right answers. We got it, it’s bread, but we’re taking about the specific side bread you get with a meal here, Arron.

The deeper you go though, the more you realize that people keep on coming up with stranger and stranger names for rolls. Who the heck calls it a cob?!

The names just keep getting worse and worse.

I hope no one dips these into tea, come on now.

I guess no matter what preposterous names we come up with for these things, they’re nowhere near as far-out as this dude’s.

All right, it’s settled then. We can all agree that they’re rolls. Or buns. Or barmcakes.

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