I liked the relationship-y parts of our relationship. Holding hands. Posting pictures across social media. Showing you off to my family. Having the title of boyfriend and girlfriend.
I liked cuddling with you. Kissing you. Sleeping with you. I liked taking you out to the park or to the mall and having everyone glance our way because we made such a cute couple.
I liked the times when I fell asleep with my head snuggled against your chest and when we held hands during movies and when you kissed the top of my forehead.
The rest of the time? I felt unfulfilled.
You were a decent boyfriend on paper — but that wasn’t all that I wanted from you. I also wanted a friend.
Technically, you would do all of the things boyfriends were supposed to do. You would text me first thing in the morning (but we would always have the same boring, bland conversations).
You would plan dates and take me on them over weekends (but we would spend more time staring at separate phones than making conversation).
You would invite me out with your friends so we could all hang out together (but I would end up sitting quietly in the corner, unwanted and uninvolved).
You would give me plenty of attention and attempt to cheer me up whenever I was in a bad mood (but you never succeeded).
We were boyfriend and girlfriend but we were never friends. We never made each other laugh. We never created inside jokes. We never connected. I felt like we were miles apart even when we were in the same room together, on the same couch, holding hands in silence (and those silences always felt awkward, never comfortable).
Even though you put in effort, which I appreciated, it always felt like something was missing when we were together. We were never at ease. We never let loose and acted silly. We had plenty of empty conversations about television shows and movies, but we never joked around and we never delved into anything real either. Our interactions felt forced.
We were dating, so I should have felt untroubled around you, but that was never the case. There were times when I had no idea what to say to you, when I was at a loss about how to continue the conversation. There were moments when I looked at you and wasn’t entirely sure how we fit together. The chemistry just wasn’t there.
Sure, you were attractive. You were nice. You were an all-around good guy. But I never had fun when we were together. Most of the time (unless I was enjoying the feeling of my head against your chest or your lips against my own) I was wishing I was someplace else.
The problem is that I wanted more than a boyfriend. I wanted a best friend. I wanted someone I felt completely comfortable alongside. Someone who could make me smile without trying too hard, who could make me feel beautiful without breaking a sweat, who could make me feel like enough naturally.
I want you to know you were a good boyfriend. But we just weren’t good enough friends to make our relationship last.