Millennials always seem to be the butt of the worst jokes. Whether it’s making fun of a millennial at a job interview, or blaming them for “killing” the diamond industry, people are always pooping on our current generation of young professionals and it’s getting old.
Now I admit, there are plenty of things to make fun of millennials for, like hipster cuisine trends that are so dumb they’re hard to explain. You just have to look at photos of them and shake your head in dismay.
Like this, um, interesting Caesar salad.
Why doesn’t want a piece of lettuce tucked into a bread ring?
Or $34 deconstructed spaghetti.
No way you’re going to stain your shirt putting that together.
Who doesn’t want their coffee stored in a beaker, either?
The first thing a millennial thinks of when ordering a coffee is “Wow, I hope it reminds me of my high school chemistry class.”
All of this weird hipster-ness aside, there are some products and services that are geared towards millennials that treat the generation as a bunch of saps, and we’re not here for them.
Millennials might love their avocado toast, but I don’t know anyone in their right mind who’d want it as a chocolate bar.
Strange chocolate bar flavors are nothing new, just ask anyone who’s ever tried a pizza or bacon Dylan’s bar. Yes, it’s incredible that they managed to make their chocolate taste exactly like pizza and bacon, but that’s not a good thing. Because when I want to eat chocolate, I’d like to eat it because it tastes like chocolate or is packed with some goodies that enhances the chocolate consuming experience: like hazelnuts or almonds, or flashes of my childhood when I was actually happy.
People immediately began blaming the avocado toast epidemic on millennials.
As annoying as avocado toast chocolate is, there are some other pretty cringe-inducing products being marketed to millennials that society somehow thinks we’ll buy.
Like the ridiculously expensive and pointless Juicero juicer.
Calling this piece of tech over-engineered would be an understatement: the Juicero was a heavy, well-built, beautiful homemade juicer that made juice out of pre-packaged, “healthy” juice combinations. The problem? All it did was squeeze the pulp in the packets to get the juice out. Something that could easily be accomplished with your hands, which was demonstrated by many people online. No need to drop $400 on it.
Unsurprisingly, the founder of Juicero is also trying to shill another questionable beverage craze: raw water.
Want to drink unfiltered, unpurified water for its various “holistic” health benefits, like potential botulism, violent diarrhea, and other diseases? Then try raw water today!
This is a smash success in San Francisco, with enthusiasts buying weirdly shaped bottles filled with the stuff.
Some of the products aren’t new inventions at all, like the “Pause Pod.”
People immediately said what everyone was thinking once they saw it: it’s a friggin’ tent. So you can “de-stress” while you’re at work and have some time to yourself… Imagine pulling this out in the middle of a meeting and being like, “Hey guys, sorry, just need to decompress for a sec.”
The Teaforia “infuser,” like Juicero, costs $400 and doesn’t make good tea.
Boil water, get a teapod, put it in a cup, then let it steep, and enjoy. Tea is cheap and easy to make, so naturally, business people thought that millennials would want a more expensive “artisanal” tea-drinking experience. Well they didn’t, especially since the Teaforia tea infuser didn’t really deliver on its promise of making a delicious cup of chai.
You’re better off buying a cheap infuser on Amazon and an electric kettle.
Millennials are so lazy and sick of people stealing their Amazon packages, they’ll be OK with letting a complete stranger into their home to ensure that the package is safe. Yeah, no.
Listen, we might be in heaps of debt and addicted to social media, but that doesn’t mean you can force any old idiotic product on us.
Now excuse me while I go and listen to some music with my Ariana Grande cat-ear headphones.