Instead of letting the 40-hour workweek bring you down, we thought you might enjoy some jokes about work to lighten your mid-week mood. Whether you’re dragging your feet on a Monday or woke up convinced it was Friday but quickly learned it was only Wednesday, you’ve come to the right place.
These office jokes are so funny, they’ll make your day better — or at least they’ll take you away from what you’re working on for a few minutes. Plus, when you get home and your kids ask what you did today, you can tell them you managed to sprinkle some humor into your workday.
If any of these make you laugh out loud, share them with a coworker who could use a pick-me-up too — or even @ your boss, if you dare.
And before we begin, just remember: the reward for a job well done is always more work.
1. A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says, “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”
2. Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory?
He took a day off.
3. My annual performance review says I lack “passion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.
4. An employee is getting to know her new co-workers when the topic of her last job comes up. One co-worker asks why she left that job.
“It was something my boss said,” the woman replied.
“Why? What did he say?” the co-worker asked.
5. Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless you’re applying to be a statistician.
6. While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
7. When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.
8. I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
9. When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?”
“This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?”
After a pause: “Did you just say whom?”
“Yes, I did.”
The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up.
10. Someone has stolen my Microsoft Office and they are going to pay for it… You have my Word.
11. Yesterday at work, I saw someone being horrifically inefficient and told him, “Dude that is definitely slowing you down.” He replied, “Well yea it is, but I’m in the kitchen remodeling business so I’m supposed to be counter productive.”
12. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
13. I went for an interview for an office job today. The interviewer told me I’d start on $2,000 a month and then after 6 months I’d be on $2,500 a month.
I told them I’d start in 6 months.
14. What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market? Start off with a big fortune.
15. A new small business was opening and one of the owner’s friends arranged for flowers to be sent to mark the occasion and wish the owner luck.
The flowers duly arrived at the new business site and the business owner read the accompanying card to find it said, “Rest in Peace.” The business owner rang his friend and told him what the card read. The friend was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should consider this: Somewhere there’s a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.”http://www.distractify.com/”
16. Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
17. An employee goes to see his supervisor. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”http://www.distractify.com/”Sorry, but we’re short-handed,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”http://www.distractify.com/”Thanks, boss,” says the employee. “I knew I could count on you!”
18. I don’t mind coming to work, it’s the eight-hour wait to go home I can’t stand.
19. I love my job. Lately, colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge. I’m currently eating a yoghurt called Susan. How cute!
20. Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught.
21. I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refused to be talked to in that tone of voice!
22. My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
23. Employer: We need someone responsible for the job.
Job Applicant: Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.
24. All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
25. Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
26. Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty. Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.
27. Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: No, because there is no proof of it.
Boss: Well there is now! After you left yesterday saying that you had to go to your grandma’s funeral, she called the office looking for you.
28. My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
29. When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, “You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?” I said, “No, not particularly.”
30. I got a job at a paperless office. Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
31. Bill walks into his boss’s office one day and says, “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I’ve got three companies after me, and I’d like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling. the boss finally agrees to give him a 5 percent raise, and Bill happily gets up to leave.
“By the way,” asks the boss as Bill is leaving his office, “which three companies are after you?”
Bill replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”