Start 2019 Off Right with 26 New Year's Eve Jokes

image

Even though 2018 felt like January-January-January-January-May-August-Septemeber-Halloween-November-Christmas, it is somehow about to be January again. I know, every year, they go by faster, and the babies born around the turn of the millennium already turned legal this year — SOS.

But because we can’t stop the clock, we might as well let the good times roll. And what better way to do that than with some funny jokes to make sure you start the new year off on the right foot?

Here are 26 New Year’s Eve jokes that’ll make for better conversation than going around the table sharing resolutions everyone knows you won’t actually follow.

image

New Year’s Eve Dad Jokes

1. My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey. 

2. Every year on New Year’s Eve, when everyone’s counting down the final ten seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes, so that I always start the new year off on the right foot.

3. New Year? I just got used to this last one!

4. My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.

5. “I promise not to make any bad jokes for the rest of the year.” — A dad on New Year’s Eve

6. A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. 

7. My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.

New Year’s Eve One-Liners

8. If 2018 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages. 

9. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions. 

10. This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess. 

11. My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s resolutions. That way I succeed at something! 

12. New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar. 

13. My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

14. I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

15. I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.

16. My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.

17. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

image

New Year’s Eve Jokes for Adults

18. On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, as the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

19. If you’re born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a bang! 

20. What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking. 

21. Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve? Waiting for the punchline. 

22. A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, “Happy New Year, everybody.”http://www.distractify.com/”It’s June, you drunk,” replies the waiter.

The drunk man looks at his watch and says, “Oh my god, my wife is going to kill me! I have never been so late in my life!”

23. Every New Year’s Day, I have the same question: “How did I get home?”

24. My brother’s New Year’s resolution is to move out of my parents’ house. You’d think after 49 years, he’d try another one.

25. An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year’s Eve. One was charged and the other was let off. 

26. What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve? Social Security. 

Happy 2019! Here’s hoping this one will be shorter than the last!

Source : https://www.distractify.com/humor/2018/12/10/RKHsYh4/new-years-eve-jokes

Australia Found a Way to Save Water From Plastic Pollution and We Can Start Doing the Same

This past summer authorities from the Australian city of Kwinana installed a new filtration system in the Henley Reserve. This system is unbelievably simple and helpful. Both the government and the citizens have already seen the benefits of using it and they’re as content as can be.

Bright Side loves innovations, especially those that are environmentally friendly, and would like to tell you all about this new brilliant invention.

It consists of a net that is placed on the outlet of a drainage pipe which helps to catch large debris and protect the environment from contamination.

These pipes drain water from residential areas to natural areas and the trash and litter from these places can be overwhelming and be harmful to the environment. Moreover, this trash is usually washed away by heavy rains which pulls it all down to the drainage systems.

The city authorities started by installing 2 nets and were amazed at the results — their new filtration system managed to catch more than 800 pounds of garbage within several weeks.

So, it has been decided to install these litter “traps” all over the city and minimize the pollution to the wildlife and surrounding environment. Though the installation and the manufacture of these nets cost money (about $10,000 each), the overall system is still quite profitable because they provide significant cost savings going forward. For example, they now save on the labor costs that they previously had to pay for people who would collect all the litter manually.

When the nets get full, they are then lifted and the trash is thrown into special garbage collecting trucks and transported to a trash-sorting center. There, it all gets separated into non-recyclable and recyclable material, which then move on for further processing.

The nets are then placed back on the drainage outlets and continue doing their work.

This new filtration system proves once again that small things matter and that focusing on them can have a big and positive impact on the environment and humanity in general.

What innovative things has your country come up with? Please share them with us in the comments!

Source : https://brightside.me/wonder-curiosities/good-news-australia-found-a-way-to-save-water-from-plastic-pollution-and-we-can-start-doing-the-same-650510/

These Stores Will Be Open on Thanksgiving If You Need a Black Friday Head Start

image

Thanksgiving is a day to spend around the dinner table with your closest family and friends — and there are a lot of hilarious Thanksgiving memes that perfectly capture the holiday. 

However, while plenty of people plan on sitting in their living rooms in their fierce OOTD, many others spend Thanksgiving looking ahead to Christmas and determined to find the best deals possible. 

Starting Black Friday a little bit earlier — for deals that aren’t necessarily worth it — these savvy shoppers need to know what retailers to visit first before their Thanksgiving dinner is even out of the oven.   

So, what stores are open on Thanksgiving? 

Some retailers have made the decision to close on Turkey Day, allowing employees to enjoy the festivities without stress and those include DSW, Costco, Nordstrom, T.J. Maxx, Marshall’s, Home Depot, and Lowe’s. 

However, there are still plenty of stores open for business.

image

Walmart

If you are headed to Walmart and want to beat the rush, you need to be at the retail giant by 6 p.m. when it opens its doors on Thanksgiving Thursday. 

Dollar General 

Need some last minute turkey decor? Head to your local Dollar General, which is open from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m. on Thanksgiving.

Starbucks

For a quick coffee fix, Starbucks will be open. However, the coffee retailer urges customers to check with their local stores, as some might be closed or have holiday hours. 

Target

To give you an extra head start on their popular Black Friday deals, Target will open its doors at 5 p.m. Thursday night. 

Kohl’s 

Just like its competitor, Kohl’s will also open at 5 p.m. Thanksgiving day. 

Best Buy 

For all your doorbuster TV and electronic deals, Best Buy will be open on Thanksgiving at 5 p.m.

image

Kmart 

You can shop at Kmart before sitting down for dinner thanks to its 6 a.m. opening time on Thanksgiving.

Sears 

If you are one of the last Sears loyalists, the retailer will be open Thursday at 6 p.m. 

Macy’s 

Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus might be closed, but Macy’s will open up at 5 p.m. Thursday night.  

image

Are fast food restaurants open on Thanksgiving? 

If your family is known for eating late — and you need a snack until the turkey is carved — these fast food chains are your best bet. 

McDonald’s

The Golden Arches will be open on the holiday — however, we can’t guarantee a working ice cream machine.  

Burger King 

You can have it your way on the holiday, just double check before you head out as some locations might have limited hours. 

Dunkin’ Donuts

Yes, Dunkin’ will be open on Turkey Day, but we suggest checking your location before heading out due to reduced holiday hours. 

Wendy’s 

Wendy’s is open so if you need a Frosty fix, you’ll be all good. 

Unfortunately, Taco Bell, Chick-fil-A, Chipotle, Panera, and Subway are closed. 

Source : https://www.distractify.com/trending/2018/11/19/2bF1fz/stores-open-on-thanksgiving

Did Leonard Cohen Just Start Beef with Kanye from Beyond the Grave?

image

I know that rap beefs are, for the most part, fake or drummed up in order to create hype and drama that’ll help both artists sell records. I get that, I understand that it’s clever marketing, and in a way kind of lame.

As a wise person on the internet once said, and I’m paraphrasing: diss tracks are just two grown men sitting alone in rooms writing poems about one another. When you put it like that, it’s kind of lame.

However, there’s a beautiful, raw shallowness to the whole thing when you see just how freely someone can go in on an individual. Yes, diss tracks are negative and might be uncomfortable to listen to for some people, but there’s a reason why rap beefs get so much press: because we eat it up.

image

And when it comes to modern day hip-hop, there are fewer artists who generate as much press as Kanye West. The writer, producer, fashion designer, singer, and rapper isn’t just a high-profile musician people turn to for sick tunes and trendy clothing, he also has a target on his head when it comes to rap beefs.

Maybe it has to do with how outspoken he is, or the fact that he holds opinions that are, at best, labeled as controversial and at worst, absolutely moronic and completely devoid of any factual evidence.

image

Say what you want about the man, but his music is amazing and he knows how to get people going. Including people who aren’t in the hip-hop game, or are even alive anymore. Like legendary singer, songwriter, novelist, and poet, Leonard Cohen.

image

Leonard passed away in November of 2016, but that hasn’t stopped the man’s words from living on. In his posthumous collection of song lyrics and poems titled, The Flame, there’s a work called “Kanye West is Not Picasso” that is as close to a diss track from Leonard Cohen you’ll ever see.

In the piece, Leonard doesn’t just go in on Kanye’s over-inflated sense of self-worth, but after Jay-Z as well and what he calls a great shift towards “bogus, bull$!1#* culture”. Leonard also, in true diss track fashion, gasses himself up while putting down the subject of his diss.

image

Let’s break this wonderful piece of writing down, shall we?

Kanye West is not Picasso
I am Picasso
Kanye West is not Edison
I am Edison
I am Tesla
Jay-Z is not the Dylan of Anything
I am the Dylan of anything
I am the Kanye West of Kanye West
The Kanye West
Of the great bogus shift of bull$!#* culture
From one boutique to another 

Leonard begins his piece with a strong rebuttal of the claims that Kanye made about himself during his Oxford Guild address. The rapper said that if he had pursued fine art as a medium instead of hip-hop, then he would’ve been like Pablo Picasso.

image

Leonard didn’t really think so, and he made that abundantly clear in his poem. The Canadian-born artist, on the other hand, thinks very highly of himself, and breaks it down for Ye: that he’s simply not on his level.

Leonard puts himself up there with a higher-caliber of artists, saying that he’s the actual artistic genius brimming with brilliance that Kanye West believes he is. And he simultaneously builds himself while dissing Kanye quite beautifully in the second half of the poem.

image

I am Tesla
I am his coil
The coil that made electricity soft as a bed
I am the Kanye West Kanye West thinks he is
When he shoves your ass off the stage
I am the real Kanye West
I don’t get around much anymore
I never have
I only come alive after a war
And we have not had it yet 

Yeah, our boy Cohen went in. And he wasn’t even alive to do it.

The poem is titled “March 15, 2015”, which directly correlates with the date that Kanye spoke at Oxford, and it’s been generating a lot of buzz online.

image

People are already anticipating whether Kanye is going to respond to Leonard with a diss track of his own. But it’s kind of hard to insult a dead man, right? I mean no artist in their right mind would do that, especially to a legend like Leonard Cohen.

image

The operative phrase here, however, is “right mind.” Kanye hasn’t really been known to act logically and has had a history of doing completely off-the-wall stuff that befuddles fans.

And on a more serious note, the man has battled mental issues before, so there’s always that to consider.

So that leaves us with two kinds of Kanye reactions. If he acts out of actual insanity due to another mental breakdown, then we’ve got no choice but to forgive the guy.

But if he acts out brashly due to some self-induced craziness fueled by his pride and inability to take an L, then we might have a real opportunity to hear Kanye actually write a diss response to a dead artistic legend.

image

Like what would happen if Kanye fully produced a song totally crapping all over Leonard Cohen’s life and career and then decided to blast it at the dude’s grave? Is it crazy? Absolutely. Is it something I could see Kanye West doing? ABSOLUTELY.

imageimage

Kanye hasn’t responded to the poem as of yet and we don’t know if he ever will but what I do know is that if he does, it’ll be bigger than the Pusha T-Drake and the Em-MGK beefs combined. And I am 100 percent here for it.

Even if Leonard can’t respond.

Source : https://undefined/trending/2018/10/11/ZF7Kzw/cohen-west-diss

15 Tips on Improving Under-Eye Skin You’d Better Start Using Right Now

Everything influences our skin’s condition: not sleeping enough at night, being tired, an argument with the boss, the cigarettes we smoke, etc. The area around the eyes is especially sensitive to these stressors. It loses elasticity very quickly. And it’s one of the most active areas in terms of movement: we blink, make faces and squint all the time.

Bright Side has collected the main rules that should be taken into account in order to make skin care as efficient as possible.

1. Preventative action

The rule “better prevent than correct” works for skin care too. You should know that the later you start taking care of your skin, the more time it will take to see the effects, and if you start doing it when you’re middle-aged, there’s a chance that you will need a cosmetologist.

The best age to start taking care of the skin around the eyes is 20 years old. This is the time when girls use a lot of cosmetics and the load on this area increases.

2. Regular care is essential.

Taking care of your skin from time to time is pointless. There is no product that can show results right away. That’s why the care should be constant over time. The least you can do it use a cream on the area every morning and every evening.

3. Don’t use just one product.

If you are bothered by a certain problem like circles under the eyes or pigment spots, for example, you can buy a product that deals only with one problem. There is no way that one product can solve multiple problems. So, it’s important not to use moisturizing cream in order to get rid of dark circles. If you want to take good care of the area around your eyes, choose the necessary product.

4. Buy glasses or contact lenses.

When squinting because of the sunlight or when trying to see something if you have bad vision, you load your eyes and the area around them even more. This is a great way to get wrinkles. So, don’t forget about wearing sunglasses in summer and using contact lenses or glasses if you don’t see things well.

5. UV light is bad for the skin.

If you don’t use sunscreen, you might end up having dark circles under the eyes. So, use sunglasses and sunscreen whenever you can.

6. Pay attention to the composition of the product.

We rarely think about what we put on our skin. And any cosmetic product is a challenge for it, so the safer the ingredients, the less serious consequences you will have in the future.

Here is a piece of advice: when choosing a cosmetic product, don’t forget to read what it’s made of. And if at least one component seems suspicious to you, it’s better to look for something else or consult an expert.

7. It’s important to apply cream correctly.

When applying a cream, you should follow some simple rules:

  • Before using a cream, clear your skin even if there are no cosmetics on it at all. Pay special attention to the area around the eyes, and don’t rub it with a sponge. Only after that, you can use a cream.
  • Put the cream on carefully, following the massage lines, without pushing the skin — it harms the skin that is losing elasticity anyway.
  • When using a cream, you should avoid the area of the upper eyelids. Also, don’t put any products near the eyelashes — you might accidentally get some of it in your eyes. The only exception is products that say that they are safe for the eyes.

8. Moisturizing masks are better than scrubs and peels.

It’s better not to use scrubs and peels in this area. These methods are great for clearing skin, but the skin around the eyes is really thin and quickly loses elasticity. So if you want to scrub this area, see an experienced specialist.

9. Don’t use too much cream.

In this case, it’s not a good idea to use a lot of cream. When there is too much cream, it might get inside the eyes and cause swelling. So don’t forget — the amount of cream you can put on this area is as big as a grain of rice.

10. Drink water, set a schedule, and get rest.

Water influences a lot of things in the body and the skin is no exception. So, drinking enough water is just as important as sleeping enough and having enough rest. Giving up bad habits is also something you should do in order to stay young looking.

11. Don’t forget about tonics.

Tonics are great for moisturizing the skin. It’s better to put it on the skin for 5-7 minutes.

If you don’t have any tonic, you can replace it with ice. Put it on the skin every morning and every evening.

12. Cosmetic oils can’t harm.

It’s okay to use special cosmetic oils — most of them get absorbed by the skin really fast and are good for massaging the area around the eyes. Such one procedure prevents the deformation and stretching of the skin.

13. Say “no” to soap-based cleansing products.

Today, there are so many products for washing the skin that there is just no point in choosing soap. Soap dries the skin which is really harmful.

But if you still have to use soap, don’t forget to use a moisturizing cream or grapeseed oil after.

14. It’s important to know and consider your skin type.

Cosmetic products are divided into groups for a reason: there are products for each skin type. The best case scenario if you choose a product that doesn’t match your skin type is that it just won’t work. But it can do a lot of harm.

Don’t forget about how sensitive the area around the eyes is. Depending on the type of skin, it needs a special approach.

15. First wrinkles are not a big problem.

If you notice the first wrinkles, it only means that your skin needs more attention. Don’t rush to buy anti-aging creams. Wrinkles may appear because of being tired, dry air, or UV-light, and you can deal with these problems with other lighter products.

Bonus: what you should know about milia

Milia are small bumps that often appear on the skin and cheeks. They appear when keratin gets trapped under the surface of the skin. People often mistake them for acne or blackheads and try to remove them but this is a mistake. There is no safe way to remove milia at home without special tools and skills (experts use really thin needles to do this). So, if you want to get rid of such bumps, you should see a cosmetologist.

Have you learned anything new about how to take care of the area around the eyes? Maybe you have your own tips on caring for this area? Don’t forget to share them in the comment section below.

Source : https://brightside.me/inspiration-girls-stuff/15-tips-on-improving-under-eye-skin-youd-better-start-using-right-now-599560/

People Are Using Kate Spade's Death To Start A Serious Conversation On Depression

It’s easy to take a cynical approach to consumerism. To the world of fashion and frivolous purchases. I do it all the time.

I get angry whenever someone values name brand stuff for the sake of it being name brand, and I also find it pretty disgusting when people seem to care more about appearing successful than actually doing something successful in their lives that’s fulfilling and meaningful to them.

The kind of person who, in the seminal Post Malone track off of his masterpiece, Beerbongs and Bentleys, are like this woman: “her bag Chanel/but she drive a durango”.

Spending money on Gucci belts when you’re borrowing gas money, leasing a new Lexus while you’re living with your parents and taking pictures of it on Instagram with “inspirational” comments means your priorities are in the wrong place and you’re kinda pathetic. But that doesn’t mean liking the finer things in life is wrong, because it’s not.

For many people, earning those finer things through hard work, or treating yourself to something to celebrate an honest-to-goodness milestone means the world to you. It’s why growing up I valued the videogames I got after busting my butt in school or saving up enough money from shoveling people’s driveways way more than the rich kids who just got the game on a Tuesday from their parents for simply existing.

One of the best parts about buying those finer things, is when you gift them to someone else. I love surprising my wife with gifts and seeing her face light up when I show them to her. One of her favorite designers was Kate Spade, who, unfortunately, recently committed suicide.

The news left a lot of people shocked and expressing their condolences to the influential designer’s family.

People are now using Spade’s suicide to spark a larger conversation about mental health.

Many are doing it by sharing photos and stories about what her designs meant to them.

For some, it was a symbol of success, of attaining personal goals and dreams.

For others, it was all about the gift of giving.

Some people showed off her more unconventional designs and how much it meant to them to buy a new bag.

Others shared some embarrassing stories about having a knock-off, and meeting Kate Spade herself.

For many, Spade’s products represented the first “actual” purse they ever purchased, and the great feelings associated with getting something they really, really wanted.

For many people, it helped them cope in difficult environments.

Others testified to the quality of Spade’s products. For a bag to last from the ’90s, that’s pretty darn impressive.

Her suicide is a reminder that depression can affect us all. But you can get help.

My condolences to Kate Spade’s family in this trying time.

Source : http://www.distractify.com/trending/2018/06/05/oEYmf/kate-spade-depression