Start 2019 Off Right with 26 New Year's Eve Jokes

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Even though 2018 felt like January-January-January-January-May-August-Septemeber-Halloween-November-Christmas, it is somehow about to be January again. I know, every year, they go by faster, and the babies born around the turn of the millennium already turned legal this year — SOS.

But because we can’t stop the clock, we might as well let the good times roll. And what better way to do that than with some funny jokes to make sure you start the new year off on the right foot?

Here are 26 New Year’s Eve jokes that’ll make for better conversation than going around the table sharing resolutions everyone knows you won’t actually follow.

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New Year’s Eve Dad Jokes

1. My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey. 

2. Every year on New Year’s Eve, when everyone’s counting down the final ten seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes, so that I always start the new year off on the right foot.

3. New Year? I just got used to this last one!

4. My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.

5. “I promise not to make any bad jokes for the rest of the year.” — A dad on New Year’s Eve

6. A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. 

7. My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.

New Year’s Eve One-Liners

8. If 2018 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages. 

9. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions. 

10. This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess. 

11. My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s resolutions. That way I succeed at something! 

12. New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar. 

13. My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

14. I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

15. I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.

16. My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.

17. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

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New Year’s Eve Jokes for Adults

18. On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, as the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

19. If you’re born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a bang! 

20. What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking. 

21. Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve? Waiting for the punchline. 

22. A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, “Happy New Year, everybody.”http://www.distractify.com/”It’s June, you drunk,” replies the waiter.

The drunk man looks at his watch and says, “Oh my god, my wife is going to kill me! I have never been so late in my life!”

23. Every New Year’s Day, I have the same question: “How did I get home?”

24. My brother’s New Year’s resolution is to move out of my parents’ house. You’d think after 49 years, he’d try another one.

25. An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year’s Eve. One was charged and the other was let off. 

26. What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve? Social Security. 

Happy 2019! Here’s hoping this one will be shorter than the last!

Source : https://www.distractify.com/humor/2018/12/10/RKHsYh4/new-years-eve-jokes

18 Sign Language Jokes That'll Have You Spelling L-M-A-O

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Some jokes, usually physical comedy, can break language barriers. Sure, different people from different parts of the world might find certain gags funnier than others, but there’s some type of comedy that’s universal.

I personally have always most enjoyed humor that speaks to me specifically. Whether it’s obscure references or a play on words that’s endemic to my area or culture, I get tickled pink when I feel like a quip was meant for a select few who are “in the know.

After reading through some of these hilarious sign language jokes, I kind of wish I brushed up on my ASL so I’d get to use some of these in person. As funny as these are to read, I can only imagine how much better they’d be to actually use in a conversation.

1

To sign, or not to sign.

2

Pew pew

3

The deaf giant.

4

Some British Sign Language

5

How you sign “stalker” in New Zealand…

6

Wanna spell El Paso?

7

That guy must really like pizza.

8

Under where?

9

So punny

10

BRB, checking my Facebook real quick.

11

Hungry? Or…

12

Not a mistake…

13

Some dark humor for you…

14

You’re too, shy, shy.

15

My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.

16

Those Londonders are crazy, I hear.

17

Not that kind of turtle…

18

Bob, with two Os…

Source : https://www.distractify.com/humor/2018/12/10/hgdvoEy/sign-language-jokes

11 Scarface Memes That Don't Reference "Say Hello to My Little Friend"

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Ask any gangster movie fan and they’ll tell you that Scarface sits at the top of the genre. Even now, with the film’s 35-year anniversary, few flicks have been released that as memorable as this Oliver Stone directed classic.

Like many excellent movies, Scarface is made wonderful by the sum of its parts: it just so happens to have a lot of great parts. First and foremost, an amazing performance by the legendary Al Pacino himself. The memes speak for themselves. 

Add in a stylized, gritty Miami world, a rags-to-riches story of a very brutal nature, and gorgeous set designs and you’ve got yourself a motion picture that not only stands the test of time, but has influenced nearly every crime boss movie that’s come out after its release.

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Like any great film, there’s also a great backstory that’s as compelling as the movie’s narrative itself. Probably because it’s almost a miracle when any movie comes out great, considering all of the things that can go wrong on set.

So here are some facts about Scarface that I never knew before, despite watching the film a zillion or so times. And, because I’m genuinely afraid of what a man like Tony Montana is capable of, some memes featuring everyone’s favorite coke dealer, in an attempt to humanize him, like this wonderful King of the Hill reference.

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1. Originally, Al Pacino didn’t want Michelle Pfeiffer to play Elvira Hancock, the crime lord’s embittered wife with a wicked fashion sense and penchant for drugs. The film’s producer, Martin Bregman said in a shared interview with the Obie-award winning actor that Al initially shot down the idea of Michelle being in the film. Maybe her work in Grease 2 had something to do with it.

Also, Michelle was hangry during filming. To look like a cocaine addict, she was eating very little, which made her irritable on long shooting days.

2. Oliver Stone actually had a coke addiction while writing the script for the movie. It became so bad that he flew out to Paris to live there in order to help him kick the habit he’d developed. At the time, blow was difficult to come by in France.

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3. Even though the film was set in Miami, and the crew was originally set to film there, production had to be moved to Los Angeles. Understandably, the local Cuban community didn’t appreciate a big-budget film that was being created about a Cuban drug lord shilling cocaine and murdering people to be the biggest and baddest player in the Miami drug wars. Go figure.

4. No one actually knows what white powder was used to substitute out the cocaine in the film. Rumor has it that it was powdered milk, but Oliver Stone nor any members of the production crew have explicitly stated what it was. I can’t imagine powdered milk being a good substitute. Yuck.

What we do know is that whatever mystery powder was used had a bad effect on Al’s nasal passages. The actor stated that till this day his nose has never been the same since Scarface.

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5. Steven Bauer, the actor who plays Tony’s closest friend in the film, Manny, was the only actual Cuban actor in the film and before he even auditioned for the role, a casting director let him know that he had it. At least he had better luck than his character.

6. If the film’s original main casting stuck, then there would have been zero main Cuban actors in the film: Robert DeNiro and John Travolta were originally selected to play Tony Montana and Manny, respectively. Now that would’ve been a very different film.

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7. As it turns out, it wasn’t the first time the character terrified and entertained audiences on the silver screen. Scarface originally came out in 1932. Martin Bregman dedicated the 1983 version to the old-school version’s director, Howard Hanks, 

8. Speaking of directors, Brian De Palma almost didn’t get the job for Scarface, Sidney Lumet was originally brought on as director. Sidney’s known for the brilliant Dog Day Afternoon and 12 Angry Men and was interested in creating another socially-conscious work.

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9. Oliver Stone wasn’t interested in writing the screenplay at first. Still upset over the disappointing reception to his film, The Hand, coupled with the fact that he wasn’t a fan of the original film and didn’t want to create another Italian gangster story, Oliver was out.

Once Sidney was on board, however, and wanted to modernize the story and replace alcohol prohibition with drugs, then it became a more enticing idea for Oliver to work with. Unfortunately, Sidney wasn’t a fan of what Oliver wrote.

10. The only movie with more f-bombs than Scarface is The Wolf of Wall Street. De Palma’s classic has 207 (or 1.21 per minute), whereas the Scorsese picture packs a whopping 506. That’s a whole lot of cussing!

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11. How did Tony Montana get his name? Was it a clever play on words? Did Oliver Stone hear about some crazy drug story during his days in Miami researching the seedy underbelly of the cocaine trade? No, he just named him after his favorite football player at the time, Joe Montana.

12. The only time Al’s character is ever referred to as “Scarface” in the movie is during the horrifying chainsaw scene, and it’s in Spanish (cara cicatriz). It also turns out that that scene was based on a real-life story Oliver heard from the Miami-Dade Police Department.

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13. Steven Spielberg actually directed a shot of the film. The ET director’s been friends with Brian since the ’70s, and while he was visiting the Scarface set one day, he directed a single shot where the goons at the end of the movie storm Montana’s mansion right before the climactic final gun battle.

14. New technology was created for the film’s final shoot-out to really make the gunshots pop. Brian worked with the movie’s special effects coordinator that synchronized the shutter of the film’s camera with the gun blasts to show the large muzzle flashes from the firearms. Just one of the many reasons why that final gun fight was so good.

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15. Al Pacino’s hand, during rehearsal, got stuck to the overheating muzzle of his firearm when he grabbed it after firing off a few rounds. The burns that Al sustained were so severe, that he couldn’t perform for two weeks, which pushed back key shots.

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There’s probably a lot more crazy trivia about this film that didn’t make it to this list. You don’t make culturally significant, classic films like Scarface without getting into some craziness behind-the-scenes, that’s for sure.

Source : https://www.distractify.com/humor/2018/12/07/NwYeJQc/scarface-memes

14 Rules with Good Intentions That Backfired Spectacularly

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Some say rules are meant to be broken, but sometimes you can break things even harder by following them to the letter. Here are 14 such examples of rules that were either exploited to disastrous effect or that resulted in the exact opposite outcome they intended.

1

Cobra Effect.

2

Not so happy hour.

3

Lunch times.

4

Domino’s

5

No booze party.

6

Macy’s mayhem.

7

Trash trouble

8

The Dazexiang Uprising

9

Kindergarten genius

10

This epic Barbados vs Grenada soccer match

11

No more heated classrooms.

12

Greece’s Air Pollution problem.

13

Korea’s adult film ban.

14

Ambiguous school uniform rules.

Source : https://www.distractify.com/humor/2018/12/06/4SBzDQr/backfired-best-way

This Restaurant Just Keeps Trolling Peta Online with Constant Savagery

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If you’re a fan of online Twitter drama (who isn’t?) then you’ve probably come across this amazing beef between Jimmy’s Famous Seafood and PETA.

The animal rights organization has been thrashed online by the seafood restaurant in a series of hilarious tweets.

And now, Jimmy’s is back on the case after PETA posted this tweet urging people not to engage in “speciesism.”

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The animal justice group got on the nerves of tons of Twitter users after tweeting out this handy-dandy graphic urging people to alter some common and long-standing idioms with more “animal friendly” versions.

The idea is that this kind of conscious change will change our collective cultural mindset to take a more animal-friendly stance and ultimately phase out eating animals and using animal products entirely. So, if you say “bring home the bagels” instead of “bring home the bacon” you’ll want to stop eating fatty, skillet-fried strips of pork fat.

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They upped the ante by comparing the same “bacon” phrase with using racist or homophobic slurs. By that logic, people who say they “freaking killed it” at work are at a higher risk of becoming murderers or promoting murder in society. If we get rid of this phrase, perhaps murder will become eradicated in the near future? One can only dream.

While I can’t speak for everyone, that idea sounds utterly ridiculous to me, and there were tons of other people on Twitter who agree. They were more than happy to serve PETA some high-quality roasts.

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Because of the pedantry on display in PETA’s tweets, people were quick to give them a taste of their own medicine. If the animal rights organization wanted to go all “Um AHCTCHUALLY” online, then they were getting it served right back to them.

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Even though there were tons of people who were more than happy to pile on PETA, Jimmy’s Seafood Restaurant’s response was probably the best.

People kept tagging the restaurant online, begging them to respond to the much-maligned tweet. The restaurant finally did, letting their fans know a roast was heading PETA’s way.

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When crafting an expert mock-tweet, it’s almost always better to clap back at someone using their same wave-length or terminology if you will. Which is exactly what Jimmy’s did when they created some alternative phrases of their own.

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In a final, beautiful touch, they even decided to link to a tragic instance of PETA putting down a beloved family’s pet by accident, a casualty of their extremely aggressive animal euthanasia policies.

As glorious as their reply was, it isn’t even the best they’ve come up since their rivalry first began with PETA. On several occasions, the animal rights group would post an ad online, only to be shredded by Jimmy’s for it.

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Because of their strong Twitter game, Jimmy’s has also become a huge target for vegan users who don’t like the fact that they’re constantly praising the consumption of animals. Specifically, when they tag PETA in photos of cooked turkeys.

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Fans of Jimmy’s are also going out of their way to troll PETA. Like this dude who suggested the original anti-Jimmy’s billboard was an actual advertisement for the local restaurant.

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The restaurant also chimed in on other “outrage culture” pieces as well. Like the eye-rolling HuffPost piece about how “problematic” Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is and why people shouldn’t watch it.

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I appreciate the fact that they’re willing to diversify their roast portfolio and that it’s not just isolated to PETA — though I do love the way they slaughter their tweets. Keep the social media game strong, Jimmy’s.

Source : https://www.distractify.com/humor/2018/12/05/RZFkdWq/peta-speciesism-tweet-responses

8 Annoying Christmas Toys Parents Hope Santa Won't Put Under the Tree

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The holidays are supposed to be a time of reflection, joy, and happiness. As the year comes to a close and a new one approaches, you think of all the things you’re thankful for and celebrate them.

And while there’s a conversation to be had about the commercialism of Christmas, it’s hard to deny that it feels pretty good when someone gets you a gift, especially something they carefully selected with you in mind.

That’s especially true if you’re a kid. The opportunity to unwrap and enjoy the one thing you’ve been obsessing over for so long is an amazing feeling. For parents, seeing your kid overwhelmed with happiness is even better. But sometimes, it comes at a price.

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After the joy part of giving the gift, you probably didn’t pay too much attention to what would happen afterwards: the crushing frustration of dealing with how annoying some toys become over prolonged periods of time.

If you can see yourself tearing the head off of a doll that just won’t be quiet, or smashing a plastic instrument with no off-switch against a wall after you accidentally step on it for the millionth time, you might want to stay away from these gifts. Even if you don’t have kids, steer clear of these gifts for your friends with kids, unless you want to drive them to the brink of insanity.

Baby Shark Singing Plush.

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The YouTube video is every single child’s kryptonite. Any kid who’s throwing a tantrum or crying is immediately hypnotized by the awesome power of this Pink Fong music video depicting a yellow, baby shark singing one of the most ear-gratingly and catchy tunes of all time.

This song is so bad, it gets played out within the first 12 seconds. That’s not an exaggeration. But one of the most amazing/infuriating things about children is their endless enthusiasm for even the most repetitive things. That’s great news for them, but bad for you and your sanity.

Tickle Me Elmo.

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Every Christmas season, there seems to be a “must-have” toy that parents flip out and camp outside of stores to buy for their children. In 1996, that toy was Sesame Street’s Tickle Me Elmo, and I personally remember how bonkers folks were about buying this hot item for their kids.

Coincidentally, it came out the same year as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s holiday smash-extravaganza Jingle All the Way, which might have helped foment the rabid desire for the season’s hottest Christmas gift. Those “lucky” parents who managed to nab one experienced the ultimate catch.22: this Elmo toy was annoying as heck.

Imagine having to listen to that high-pitched cackling over and over again? I’m pretty sure folks who “missed out” on the doll weren’t feeling too bad after seeing what their friends were going through a few days after Christmas.

Creepy Crawlers.

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OK so this is a throwback, and it’s basically just an Easy Bake Oven marketed to boys, but instead of delicious treats and cupcakes, you pulled out useless, neon-colored bugs and other ooey-gooey monsters.  As a kid, I had these and loved making spiders, scorpions, and other icky creatures from the metal molds that came with the toy. But this contraption has a huge flaw: it assumes the children using them aren’t total slobs. 

Any child with a Creepy Crawler oven probably had that thing mysteriously disappear after a month, once dad and mom were fed up with cleaning neon-colored stains off the carpets and furniture. Headache is an understatement for the aftermath of a Creepy Crawlers session. I was only 7 years old and even I realized how messy these were.

Motion Sensor Master Yoda.

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Even the staunchest Star Wars fan has to admit that Master Yoda has a very, very, very annoying voice. Sure, it’s fun to do once in a while, and for the most part, George Lucas keeps this wizened green gremlin’s lines to a minimum in the films.

Fans of Episode II saw Yoda fighting for the first time ever in a Star Wars movie. The way he jumped around and cleaned house with his tiny light saber was a sight to behold.

But experiencing that rambunctious, screaming Yoda action in person isn’t as much fun as it is on the silver screen, which is probably the reason this toy was ultimately discontinued. You can still buy it on Amazon, but the motion sensor it packs means, whenever it’s on, if anything so much as a fly zips by, the toy will spazz out and start trying to fight anything that comes near it, like these poor dogs.

Any kind of ball popper.

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tOn the one hand, this toy is pretty awesome for young children who like to play fetch, which is pretty much all young kids. They’ll have a ton of fun repeatedly putting the ball in this thing and watching the motor shoot it out. It might even give you a few minutes of respite from entertaining them all day.

But just like the little toy lawnmowers with those popping balls inside (a worthy runner-up), this thing makes noise. A ball popping noise. Over, and over, and over again. If you can deal with that, fine, but I think after the 50th or so “POP!” in the span of time it takes to book a haircut, you’ll probably regret ever getting this thing in the first place.

Floam.

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Floam, Slime, Gak, Play-Doh. All of these neat, tactile things kids like to play with look and sound cool, but that comes at a price.

They’re so, so, so dirty. You’ll get it caught between your toes after you finally kick back and try and relax on the couch for an hour after your kids fall asleep. You’ll be pulling it loose from the bristles of your vacuum cleaner after it gums up the works. If you’ve got particularly experimental children, you might even be plunging it from the toilet after they get the bright idea of seeing what happens when you flush it.

Furbies.

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After Tickle Me Elmo dropped, the next huge toy craze was this little guy who looked like Gizmo from Gremlins. I never thought I’d get the chance to write the word “gremlin” twice in the same article, but here we are. (Three now!)

What’s so unnerving about Furby isn’t its weird, bug-eyed design and droning voice, It’s the fact that the computer in the little doll sometimes records and distorts phrases it hears a lot. In fact, the doll was banned from the Pentagon, and more than a few people have some creepy Furby stories of their own. The guy who created them is pretty awesome, though.

Talking Orange plush.

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You ever wonder how a joke that wasn’t even that funny in the first place somehow turns into a phenomenon that goes out of control? It’s known as the “Carlos Mencia” effect, and that’s precisely the deal with those lame talking orange videos.

Well someone actually took those annoying characters and turned them into a frightening plush that also talks. Why anyone would be into these oranges enough to want one in physical form is beyond me, but it’s a gift that’s sure to annoy anyone in its immediate vicinity. God be with whoever is forced to endure that hardship.

Source : https://www.distractify.com/humor/2018/12/03/8OFV7EV/annoying-christmas-toys

29 Seriously Funny Adult Christmas Jokes Because Santa Isn't Just for Kids

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It’s not too early to spread some Christmas cheer, just ask these 14 people who practically didn’t even wait until Thanksgiving was over to flood their feeds with intense holiday spirit. And even if you’re not a huge fan of Christmas, here is something other than Christmas carol music (ugh) that’ll make this year’s holidays a little lighter.

Whether you can’t wait to share Christmas humor with your adult friends or are drunk from Christmas dinner and want some Santa jokes, Christmas jokes, or dirty holiday jokes to pass around the table, we’ve got you covered with these TK jokes that are pretty much PG-13.

Santa Jokes for Adults

1) Q: What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus.

3) Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

2) Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.

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4) Q: What do you call a broke Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less

5) Q: Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
A:  To keep her off the North Pole.

6) Q: What do you call Santa if he also lives in the South Pole?
A: Bi-Polar.

7) Q: What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
A: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”

8) The Santa at the shopping mall was quite surprised when he saw Martha, a woman in her mid-twenties, asking to sit on his lap. We all know Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled at him very nicely and he ended up asking her what she wanted for Christmas.
“Something for my mother, please,” she replied.
“Something for your mother? That’s very loving and thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What would you like me to bring her?”
Emily answered quickly, “A son-in-law.”

9) Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

10) Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soot’s him.

11) Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses.

12) Q: What’s the difference between Santa and a knight?
A: One slays the dragon, the other drags the sleigh.

13) Q: What did Santa say to his wife?
A: It’s going to reindeer.

14) Q: What goes “oh oh oh”?
A: Santa walking backwards.

15) Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

Christmas Jokes for Adults

15) Q: Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
A: Because the present’s beneath them.

16) Q: Why did the snowman want a divorce?
A: Because his wife was a total flake.

17) Q: What do you call an elf who sings?
A: A wrapper!

18) Q: What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

19) Q: Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?
A: He desperately needed some holiday spirit.

20) Q: What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?
A: Their balls are ornamental.

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21) Wanna see the North Pole? …At least that’s what Mrs. Claus calls it.

22) Q: How do snowmen make babies?
A: Snowballs, of course.

23) Q: What do the female reindeer do when the guys are out working?
A: They go into town and blow a few bucks.

Dirty Christmas Jokes

24) Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
A: Because he only comes once a year.

25) Q: What’s Santa’s safe sex tip?
A: Wrap your package before shoving it down the chimney.

26) Q: Why does Santa land on the roof?
A: Because he likes it on top.

27) If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, do you mind if I visit between the holidays?

28) Q: What do a train set and boobs have in common?
A: They were both made for kids but dads can’t help playing with them.

29) Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.
“In honor of this holy season,” he said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “This represents a candle,” he said.

“Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates,” said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may also enter heaven.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. “And just what do those symbolize?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

The man replied, “These are Carol’s.”

Merry Christmas, you guys. If you’re on the naughty list, we hope these jokes filled you with some cheer.

Source : https://www.distractify.com/humor/2018/11/28/LRyoaOU/santa-jokes-adults

These Gender Reveal Parties Went Horribly Wrong

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I have two kids and I had two gender reveal parties for both of them. Well, I should say my wife had two gender reveal parties. On the one hand, I’m glad these little get-togethers make her happy.

Yes, it’s good to spend time with your friends and family. It’s fun to invite people over and have a nice little shindig and share the joy of your upcoming birth with them. But then there’s a part of me that just absolutely hates gender reveal parties.

Yes, I understand it’s just another way to celebrate the birth of your child, but I can’t help but feel like it detracts from the “I’ll love the kid no matter what” philosophy, you know?

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That’s part of the reason gender reveals rub me the wrong way, but I can’t fully explain why I dislike them so much. That said, even I can’t bring myself to delight in how horribly wrong these gender reveal celebrations went.

Like this Tucscon, Arizona couple who accidentally started a wildfire.

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We recently wrote about this couple who thought it’d be a good idea to have as explosive of a gender reveal party as possible, by literally blowing up a box containing the gender of their child. 

Now, newly released video shows the over-the-top gesture on camera, and the subsequent mayhem it caused.

The offending dad who started the fire, Border Patrol agent Dennis Dickey, has been forced to pay $220,000 in restitution charges. If you think that’s a lot of money, it’s only a fraction of the estimated damage his little stunt caused: a whopping $8.2 million. Honestly, what he owes is pretty much what med school students are in the hole for after they graduate, so it could be worse, I guess. Then again, the average salary of a border patrol agent means he’ll probably be paying that off for a long, long time.

The one that got away.

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When Molly Mae Thompson was expecting her child, she decided to go the balloon reveal route. She probably regrets that they didn’t keep a tighter grip on it.

“We stood with butterflies waiting to pop this balloon. Within moments, we would be showered with pink or blue confetti, revealing the gender of our little one,” she wrote. “Well, the Santa Ana [winds] had a different plan. Not only did the balloon not pop, but a gust of wind blew that thing right out of our hands, straight over the roof, never to be seen again.”

Smoke bomb.

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If this expectant mom was trying to escape in a cloud of blue smoke for her gender reveal, then she did a good job. There’s nothing wrong with this reveal, per se, but the photo capturing the moment looks like a Gob Bluth illusion gone wrong.

Boy? Girl?

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This couple received conflicting gender results from the ultrasound company and their doctor, leading to some confusion on the day of their gender reveal party. The mama in the photo above wrote about it in her Instagram post.

“This video was cool and awesome until it was wrong,” she said. “After the party, we went again to confirm the gender and it is a boy.”

It’s a…Pizza!

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Learn from this parent’s mistake: if you’re planning on revealing the gender of your child, maybe don’t leave it in the hands of Domino’s. The toppings on the pizza were supposed to spell “it’s a boy” but instead it just looks like a bunch of pizzas.

“#epicfail Dominos! This was suppose to be my gender reveal for the grandparents…total flop, should read “It’s a boy” but dominos apparently doesn’t know how to place pepperonis close together!”

Eating the cupcake in one bite.

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Another common gender reveal method is to fill some cupcakes with either pink or blue filling, which is a cute and delicious way of announcing the sex of your child. However that only works if you take a bite out of the cupcake and not swallow it all in one bite, like this Daddy did.

“So this was suppose to be the gender reveal for Chad at work but somehow the ‘gender reveal’ part got left out and typical for my husband he ate the cupcake whole not even noticing the pink cream center.”

This dad who could’ve done a better job of tying the box to the rails.

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This couple had a box packed with balloons. Their idea was to pull a string and have either a bunch of pink or blue balloons fall down on them at their gender reveal party. Instead, the box fell on mom’s head. Definitely not as cute.

This cake that’s sending mixed signals.

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All right, take a quick look at this cake (if you’re not colorblind) and tell me what two colors you see. Now, it’d be fine if these parents were having twins, but they’re not.

“Chocolate = boy
Strawberry = girl
There is only one baby and I see TWO flavors……”

Balloon drama.

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This one was even more confounding than the cake conundrum above. It’s simple: you pack a box with pink balloons for a girl and blue balloons for a boy. What does it mean when you’ve got blue, purple, yellow, green, orange, and red in there? Maybe whoever packed the box didn’t want the kid’s parents to assume their kid’s gender for them.

Gender reveal cannon malfunction.

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Hey, does standing in front of a homemade cannon with your very pregnant wife for a gender reveal sound like a good idea to you? No? Well then congratulations, you’ve got a ton of common sense.

Even though the couple tested and re-tested this cannon before their big gender reveal, it malfunctioned at the last moment, forcing someone off camera to kick the thing to get the confetti out. Which resulted in the injuries below.

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Thankfully no one else was hurt in the incident. In case you’re wondering, it’s a boy.

Source : https://www.distractify.com/humor/2018/11/28/6RoKBcn/bad-gender-reveals

This "He's Not Your Man" Meme Has the Internet Cracking Up

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One of the worst/best things about the internet is its “bandwagon nature.” Whether it’s opinions, jokes, or memes, people begin to pile on and add to the conversation like some kind of infinite echo chamber. But this is a prime example of the bandwagon at its best.

Over the weekend, the internet decided to use the powers of exhausting a meme to roast all the tired/generic/assumptive relationship advice out there by re-purposing a common format for said relationship advice into a hilarious ongoing joke.

For example:

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Some people begin the meme with the kind of self-affirming, wake-up-sister red flags that should let you know you’re chasing the wrong man in a relationship, but then it quickly devolves into the absurd.

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Then there are people who thankfully used the meme in very wholesome ways: like to show off their cute pets. Or to reference biblical figures, like St. Michael, slayer of dragons. What a swell dude.

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Although people were quick to reference their pets, they also opted to bring back some old-school, invasive personal assistants. Yes, before Siri, before Alexa, before “OK Google” and Cortana, there was Clippy.

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I’d argue that a hot plate of delicious spaghetti is better than having a man in some instances, but that’s just me. Unless you have a man who can make a mean plate of pasta, then I stand totally corrected.

As for this manatee one, you can also add if “he’s illegal to touch while you’re vacationing in Key West,” that’s a clear warning sign.

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While I understand people mean well when spouting empowering messages about recognizing your  self-worth, some of the well-intended messages just come off as preachy and eyeroll-inducing.

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Which is why it’s so satisfying to see people taking this whole “Ladies, if he:” format and turning it on its head with such obviously ridiculous memes. Even better is when the memes include defiling beloved mythical characters, like Santa Claus.

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And look, the internet’s full of amazing information: you can pretty much find the aggregate of all human knowledge, up until this point, online and it’s accessible from a device that’s probably in your pocket or on a table next to you right now.

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But if you’re getting relationship advice from random memes on Twitter, you’re probably looking for help in love in the wrong place, you know?

Besides, if you need a total stranger to tell you that a guy who never texts you back and is cold to you 99% of the time is bad news, you’re ignoring a lot in your life.

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So my advice to you is to look inward, stop trying to make excuses for the person you’re dating, and find out what really makes you happy. Because as fun and fancy free as Gritty, the Philadelphia Flyers’ mascot appears to be…

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…I can promise you he’s an absolute madman who is incapable of love. Gritty only loves partying, and even that love only lasts for a short while before it turns to bloodlust. Fear Gritty. Please, that fear will keep you safe.

And since I don’t want to end things on a scary note, here’s another animal-themed one for you. Man these are so good.

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Source : https://www.distractify.com/humor/2018/11/26/z6WdicL/hes-not-your-man-meme

6 Non-Traditional Resumes That Could Land You a Job

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Whatever you think of Kim Kardashian and how she rose to fame, there’s undeniable fact about her family: they get money.

They get money from Instagram posts, they get money from cosmetics, they get money from apps, custom emojis, clothes — pretty much anything and everything.

Although it’s easy to get fooled by their plastic surgery, vocal fry, and reality show antics, the Kardashian conglomeration makes bank, so if you’re able to do business with them, there’s a good chance turn a profit.

Or, at the very least, a lasting impression on any potential employers. Which is exactly what happened with Chris Sumlin, when he shared a copy of his resume on Twitter that mentions a connection with Kim herself.

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What was the connection? Well, it seems almost silly to mention, and at face value doesn’t seem like that big of a deal:

“Retweeted by Kim Kardashian West for impressive work in graduate school.”

Seems insignificant, right?

Well, it wasn’t to potential employers at least. They must’ve gotten a huge kick out of the mention of Mama Kim, which nailed him three job interviews in under a week.

If you thought that was great, it gets even better.

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The tweet gained some steam and was racking up retweets. It eventually caught the attention of Kim herself, who decided to make her retweet of Chris a two-fer.

He’ll have to update his resume to mention he was retweeted by Kim K., not once, but twice.

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Oh wait, he already did. That’s what I call a big boss move. If I were him, I’d up the ante on my job search and hit up even bigger fish. A look at his experience is pretty legit already, though, and it seems like he’s already making the right moves.

People were quick to remind us that, while Kim’s retweets are definitely valuable, his other experience is great, too. Credits at BET and FOX aren’t anything to sneeze at, and the man clearly knows how to get attention, which isn’t an easy task on social media.

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Chris isn’t the first person, nor will he be the last, to think outside the box when creating an awesome resume. Let us not forget Lukas, who thought of the absolute sweetest way to make sure potential employers saw his resume. 

And that was by attaching it to a box of donuts. This industrious young man dressed up like a delivery dude and hit up all major marketing industries in his area with a copy of his resume, along with some locally crafted donuts that definitely made a sweet impression.

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The brother of a guy named Steven Case made him a resume in the style of Dungeons & Dragons, and it’s about as nerdy as you would expect. Seriously, just look at this thing and it seems like it was ripped straight out of a dungeon master’s guidebook.

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Steven told his bro that the CV basically made him appear “unhireable,” but a lot of people online disagreed.

But maybe that’s because I’m a sucker for a nerdy reference, and there are some people who use undeniably “cooler” source materials for inspiration behind their non-traditional resumes and cover letters.

Like this young woman who crafted a Grimes-style rap to help in her job search.

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A lot of people said the only reason Anastasia’s rap cover letter helped her get the attention of a huge job recruiter is because of her ethnicity, and that the rap wasn’t that good in the first place. Regardless, it ultimately worked. And that’s all that probably matters to this woman who hopes to be gainfully employed.

Wieden Kennedy’s flow is undoubtedly good, and he used it to further his marketing career with his awesome pitch to Sprite. While most people were probably sending in standard cover letters with primitive paper and words, Wieden demonstrated his marketing prowess by producing this amazing music video.

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After uploading it online, the video became a mini-viral sensation. A look at Mr. Kennedy’s Twitter profile indicates the effort he put into the video paid off: you can tell he’s passionate about what he does and people lapped it up.

When it comes to passion, it’s hard to top what David Casarez did in order to nab himself a job in Silicon Valley, arguably the most competitive place in the world for anyone who’s trying to work in tech.

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David left Texas and the “comfortable” jobs he could get in his hometown with a dream of working at a huge firm in the Mecca of technology, but after arriving at Mountain View and applying to tons of jobs for over a year without success, Casarez found himself homeless.

Then he lost his van (where he slept) — but David still didn’t give up. Instead, he printed out a bunch of resumes and held up a sign asking not for handouts, but just the ability to work.

Inspired by his story, a young woman snapped his photo and uploaded it to Twitter.

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Her tweet went viral, and he soon found himself fielding over 200 job offers from monster companies like Google, Netflix, and LinkedIn. His out-of-the-box thinking and persistence ultimately paid off.

So maybe if you’re stuck in a rut and want to move forward in your career, try taking some inspiration from these folks. Happy job hunting!

Source : https://www.distractify.com/humor/2018/11/26/ZHE2gT/non-traditional-resumes